My time

I told myself over and over again, “as soon as he holds his son he will change”. I saw the change my brother did after his daughters were born. Its different for a man than women when having kids. The mother feels different when pregnant, we feel the baby move and grow inside us, most of us get our motherly instincts during pregnancy. Men don’t get the opportunity like we do, you know they wouldn’t be able to handle it anyways. I do feel privileged to be able to make a life, I have so many family and friends that struggle to. 

I had a few baby showers, one from work, one from his family, and one from my family. I did get everything I needed for Trey and more. Rene and her friends got us the crib that transfers into a toddler bed. Trey used that until he upgraded to a full size bed at age four, so we used the shit out of it. Actually, I ended up giving it to my brother who needed it for his kids, it was well worth it! 

We ended up goin to a bar after my family’s baby shower, I ended up having an anxiety attack. I had a friend take me outside to take my one puff of her cigarette to calm me down. I just get overwhelmed with everything, everything going wrong, always wrong. That morning I had “lost” my ring Tyler gave me. I searched everywhere for it, never found it. I did find out eventually, more life got Tyler to confess, that he took it off my nightstand and sold it to get drugs. I never said we were “engaged” the ring was his mothers idea, go figure, it looked better for her. He also took my camera and pawned it for drug money. The only camera I had with my growing belly pictures. I never did get the pictures back. 

By July, my baby was eager to get the hell out, who can blame him with all my stress. Tyler was not making any good choices for him or us. Even my specialized ultrasound they needed to confirm Treyson’s brain was developing correctly. A previous ultrasound measured his brain as under developed for his age. Instead, Treyson was hyperactive in the womb, he hated anything touching my belly. He was the perfect baby to always feel moving, even kicking my patience.