I was asked today about my son, “how old is he, does he live with you?”. Brutally honest and direct, “he’ll be 19 in July, he lives in Illinois with my enabling mother because he walked out of my house saying “fuck you, I don’t need you”. The same response I always get “oh, I’m…

Every day I think about my “episode” at the movie theater, to every little detail. Why did I black out? Why was I in/out of consciousness but paralyzed or unresponsive? Why did I not feel myself drenched in sweat until it was mentioned? Why could I hear people, feel people, even see people when my…

My checking account is dwindling, my patience is even worse. I am miserable physically, mentally, emotionally with no real relief in the near future. I sit at home, either sleeping, okay mostly sleeping. I don’t feel good, haven’t since I went to the hospital, nothing I do make it better. No sleep makes me feel…

Today I was discharged out of the hospital with only my pants, underwear, and socks that I went in with, my shirt and bra were cut off of me.  Friday was a day I took off work, at the temp job, to get my temperature housing unit replaced in my car. Only a $1200 fix…

If I really do think about it, it makes me more irritated.  The amount of money and time spent, resources invested in correcting basketball cards instead of our education system is fucking stupid. People that play a sport get paid more than our teachers and thats why our education system fucking sucks.  These days they…

First week in the temp job and its nothing I expected, not bad just boring. There was supposed to be a group of 15 of us starting and only 12 showed. First thing I noticed were the times different ages showed up. I was first, like always, the next two gentlemen were next and in…

If you have depression, you know the struggles. I openly admit my suicidal thoughts. I even put an unloaded gun to my head just to see how it felt. Some say thats crazy, I say being quiet about it makes it more crazy. I unloaded the gun myself, yes I’ve done it before. I didn’t…

I get more and more angry every day, feel like I’m going to burst into a rage that could explode at any minute. Which drove me to reach out to Chris, my therapist the last five years. I haven’t seen him since before Matt and the kids left, Sept of 2025. All I can think…

If you haven’t seen the Famous Last Words: Eric Dane on Netflix, I highly recommend it. Some of the last words he spoke were the following that resonated with me: “Live now, in the present” “wander off mentally, lost in my head” “wallowing in worry and self-pity, shame, and doubt” ”The past contains regrets, the…

Well, I broke my own promise to myself, I contacted Matt. Don’t worry, he finally told me I wasn’t enough, or too much, either way he doesn’t accept me. I guess he doesn’t accept me for who I’ve become, I guess thats on me. It wasn’t something I wanted to hear, nor acknowledge it. There…