My time

People used to make comments about my lack of emotions. I can only imagine what my life will be like once I get back on my feet. I know I need to keep to myself, I still have the habit of wanting to help. 

I need help, from myself, not from anyone else. I need to be here for “me” moving forward. That is when life for me will be worth it! Not saying my life wasn’t worth it prior to now, more like “lessons learned”. I know I deserve more, I deserve to be treated better, I deserve a better life than what I’ve been living. I have been living for everyone else, being there for everyone else. 

Who’s been there for me? Guiding me? Helping me? Pushing me to keep going? Who was there for me at my worst? Me……only ever me. 

It’s time I start doing things for me, not for anyone else, just for me. Pamper myself, and not the way I’ve been doing it for years. I deserve an actual spa day, a massage without quilt, time to feel good about myself! 

For today, I take day by day, literally. I’m cleaning, painting, packing away to sell my house. That’s as far I got with my plans. Why, you may ask, because I’ve always been a planner. I’ve always been in control, or so I thought. I was never in control, I was under their control. I only worried about their needs instead of my own. Somehow that is going to change! 

So, hang in there with me on this fucked up journey of mine, it’s no way near the end!