My time

For the next year, Tyler and Jordyn got married and she really tried to be there for Trey, even when Tyler wasn’t. There were some issues we had to deal with but Jordyn and I tried to get along for Trey’s sake. Once Tyler went back to his “old ways”, Jordyn found herself in the same place I did with his addiction. She was lucky not to get pregnant by him, she just had to divorce him. 

Luckily, at the same time Tyler was getting a divorce I had met Dave. Dave was my “eye candy” living behind my apartment building. I finally got enough courage to holler over at him and ask him out. Little did I know that one move would flip my world completely. 

Dave and I met December 28th, 2013 and we married March 28th, 2014. Now you are probably thinking, “this bitch hurried up and married a random guy just to get away from her family/life”. Well, yes and no, I honestly fell head over heals in love with Dave. He made me laugh, he made Trey laugh, it was like we were meant to be from the start. He welcomed Treyson from the start and everything was smooth sailing. We got married to be able to move to Texas with Dave for his new job opportunity with State Farm. Treyson was only six, going to turn seven down in Texas. The families, mine and Tylers, were not excited as us but wished us well on our journey. 

By time June of 2014 came, we were packed up and moving to Texas, when my mother asked me for two thousand dollars. Knowing I‘m not currently working, moving to another state, and she asked to borrow two thousand dollars?! Who does that? Well, my mother would! She made excuses about being short on bills, even though her and her new boyfriend (that story coming soon) were working full time. So, I questioned her until I heard the truth. Maybe I called her out on her bullshit, but I got the truth out of her. I‘m sure it wasn’t the whole truth, she can’t tell what the truth is anymore. 

Treyson and I stayed in our small apartment for about 3 years when I noticed a man in his backyard playing with his Dobermans. It was just a joke naming him my “eye candy” while I was single. With Treyson’s daddy issues I couldn’t get myself to get close to anyone, afraid they would leave us just like Tyler did. Instead, I created a “friends of benefits, of sorts”. Technically there was more than one but one was what I hoped would eventually turn into something more. 

Isn’t it funny how shows, books or whatever have such an impression or relatable experience. During that time, I was a Sexy and The City fan and Mr. Big was very familiar to me. My Mr. Big was what I thought I wanted from my son; he wasn’t a father but had the potential to be a great father. That was all I could see in him, someone to be my son’s replacement father. That was toxic in itself and Treyson and I went to therapy for our “daddy issues”, more for Trey than me. 

My “daddy issues” were not part of my life anymore, my dad and I decided a DNA test wasn’t worth it. He told me he always saw me as his daughter and didn’t want a piece of paper to tell him differently. That was the ultimate dad response ever! That’s when I decided to drop the “daddy issues” for me and focus more on a dad for Trey. 

While Mr.Big and I had our whatever you call it, I was demanding Tyler to be a dad. He was not going to get off so easily. I would call him over and over again until he would answer. One time someone did answer, a woman telling me to move on and he didn’t want me anymore. Taken back at the woman’s voice I was shocked which turned into anger pretty quickly. I told her I didn’t want him and the only reason I want anything to do with him is because we have a son together. To her surprise, she wasn’t even aware of Treyson, even with Tylers front neck tattoo that said “Treyson James” inside a ribbon with roses and a cross above his name. She, and I‘m sure others as well, assumed the tattoo on his neck was a memorial tattoo and didn’t ask to not pry.

For Treyson’s first bday party, Tyler was caught smoking weed at my aunt’s house while we sang happy birthday. Tyler’s family was around but was never really helpful. They enabled Tyler and his addiction, I tried telling them that when I was pregnant, they didn’t listen. 

Have you caught on yet? No, don’t worry, you will!

By Treyson’s fourth birthday, a tradition I started, my aunts house with bounce house, Tyler never made it to any other birthday party’s. Tyler’s family stopped coming too. I wanted one day out of the year where Trey could have his entire family together to celebrate him. That no longer was working and Trey knew it. After heading home from his last party, he asked why his dad wasn’t there. This was not the first time, nor would it be the last. Treyson cried not understanding what was going on. Mind you, Treyson had never seen us together as a couple and we never married. So, growing up without Tyler, Trey was confused on who his father was. Trey had heard me call my dad “dad”, heard my nieces calling my brother “dad”, but he hardly got the chance to even say dad. 

My son wanted a dad, he knew he was missing out of something good. It was clear when he first asked a complete stranger at Walmart to marry me, after finding out he had a dog. That was the qualifications to marrying me, he had to have a dog. I was not only embarrassed but ashamed my son had to go to this extent to get what he desperately desired. 

I decided after his fourth birthday we would do something other than a party his dad wouldn’t show up to. By his fifth birthday, I managed to save as much money as I could to get a hotel on the beach in Daytona Beach, FL. This was going to be a new tradition for us and he didn’t have to worry about inviting anyone. For his sixth birthday we went to Virginia Beach and stopped to visit family as well. 

For Treyson’s seventh birthday my world flipped upside down, once again, living in Texas with a husband of 4 months. You are probably asking yourself “how is that possible?”, its was not something I planned nor did I question it.

How can three people be raised but the same two people and live their lives completely different than each other? I sat my parents down and expressed my concerns on Ben and his gf not helping with bills and not cleaning up after themselves. Why did I have to explain to my parents on the difference of what I was doing (working, paying bills, cleaning, etc.) is beyond me. I literally had to point it out to my parents that they were enabling my brother, he didn’t grow up, get out or help with bills. Well, they decided to talk to Ben and his gf about what we discussed. It’s obvious not that my mother and Ben’s girlfriend were besties, since we couldn’t get along. 

My mother told Ben and his girlfriend everything I brought to their attention and demanded them to do as I was, being more independent and helpful with the house. That didn’t go well for the gf and she turned on me in a split second. We were no longer friends, she was now the enemy and I had to watch my back. I tried warning my brother, but how I can tell my brother to break it off with her because she’s drama and just like our manipulative mother? You don’t, but you do tell his girlfriend how you really feel about the situation and the secret my other brother, Nick, told me about her. She was so much like my mother after I pissed her off, I was hoping my brother could see it and tell her to get lost. Of course he didn’t, my brothers don’t even know their mother cheated on their dad for years. After the big fights with the girlfriend, they moved out to her dads house. 

The house was better, but I still hated being there. Moms’ mystery days came more frequently, and dads patience was thinning. The tension in the house was unbearable, and I was miserable watching my dad waste his life on a woman that could care less about him. Dad and I created more of a bond now with mom not being around. We would talk for hours, sometimes about nothing and others about mom. I tried to be his therapist of some kind, try to get him to see what she truly was, and that he deserved better. 

Nothing I said was going to change that man’s mind and I finally got to the point of moving out once and for all! I got an apartment with a co-worker while working at the hospital. That year was a messy year for me. At the same time, I had decided to get a more 9-5 job to be with Treyson more but stayed at the hospital to work weekends for extra money. No, I wasn’t getting child support or any help from Tyler. His parents took Trey on the weekends when I had to work, but Tyler wasn’t ever really in Treyson’s life.

Once Trey was in my life, I had an opinion on things that I felt were important, like the house being clean for my kid to crawl. As I mentioned before, all of us back at our parents, Nick has 2 daughters that he gets every other weekend. Then Ben and his girlfriend, me and Treyson, and my parents staying in a 3 bedroom, one bathroom, Bi-level house. Ben and the girlfriend loved to cook, but not clean. Come to find out, they didn’t offer to help with bills, like I was. Nick had moved out so things weren’t as hectic but there were still so many issues. 

One day I finally snapped at Ben and his girlfriend. It was bad enough I had to live there due to the money issues and debt I was in due to Trey being born and Tyler’s bad decisions. I had to deal with my brother and his girlfriends messes, my mothers narcissistic and hoarding issues, and my watch my poor dad live a horrible life. 

I was trying so hard to keep my head down, just work hard and soon get out on my own again. I tried to focus on my future with Treyson and no one else mattered. That is until the drama was back, my mom wouldn’t come straight home and dad asking if I knew where she was. I wouldn’t know since we weren’t getting along and only talked to her about Trey when it was necessary. 

Maybe it all piled up on me, or maybe I was sick and tired of watching my family use each other daily and not put effort into really anything. I finally told my brother that him and his girlfriend need to clean up after themselves. I shouldn’t have to work 12 hours, come home to clean for another hour before going to bed. His girlfriend didn’t work and she made it known she didn’t want to work. That’s when things got worse and I had to say something to my parents. 

My dad, brothers, my aunt/uncle showed up to help move me back to my parents. I asked my Aunt Courtney to take Trey, so I could get more done. I was numb packing up my stuff, moving like a robot that can’t feel anything. Until Tyler finally showed up, I immediately called Tylers brothers to come get him before my dad and brothers beat him. Tyler didn’t want to leave without talking to me but after my dads look at him, he went quietly. 

After everything was packed and ready to drive away from the life I thought I had, my whole body started shaking uncontrollably. I was alone in my car packed full of mine and my sons belongs. I couldn’t even drive, I had to pull over and just let it all out. I sat there long enough to get many calls asking where I was. I couldn’t talk let alone breath to try explaining what emotions I was going through. 

Imagine it, can you? I would consider this as the worst day of my life. I was forced to leave my sons father to protect my son and have no choice but to move back in with my mother. How did my life get so fucked up?! How can Tyler not see what he’s doing to me or us?! I eventually got over it all, sucked it up and focused on me and Treyson only. That’s pretty much what I did the next 2 years, worked as much as I could to pay my debt down. 

This whole time, I’m working and raising my son in my parents basement, I was ignoring the many issues in the house. When I first moved back, both brothers were also back living with our parents. It was overly crowded house with grandkids from me and Nick. Ben and is girlfriend were living there as well. It was chaotic and I worked to stay away from the house as much as I could. I was working at the hospital a few years before having Treyson and 12 hour shifts made it hard to spend time with Trey. I would leave early while he was asleep and by the time I would get home, he would be asleep. I missed my son’s first steps while I was at work. My mother took it upon herself to try to get him to walk, she succeeded. As time went on, my mother and I were not getting along at all. Well, for one, she didn’t like my parenting skills. Like hers were so much better, please. 

Right then my relationship with my mother became a reality check. I guess this could be considered my “Trauma Response”. From that moment forward I saw my mother in her true colors. I no longer had respect for her; it’s like I didn’t even know her at all. As our relationship grew further apart, I got pregnant with my son Treyson and at the age of 22. At that time, I was living with Tyler, Treyson’s father (yes, biological father, I‘m not my mother). Tyler and I had a toxic relationship as he was a drug addict, and I believed I could help him. I stuck it out as long as I could with Tyler and his drug habits. Once Treyson came into this world, no one mattered but him. No one was gong to keep me away from my son. 

Treyson was about 7 weeks old when I caught his dad smoking crack in our living room. I woke up to feed Trey, instead I found Tyler. At this time I actually had an outer body experience. It’s like I was seeing it from a camera view, I know weird but that’s what trauma can do. Any ways, I watch myself not saying anything to Tyler, just walked up to him and as he stood trying to say something I hit him as hard as I could. Then proceeded to fix a bottle and go back to the bedroom. I moved the dresser over the door so Tyler couldn’t come in and fed Treyson his bottle. Once he was back to sleep, I also went back to sleep. I woke up around 5am and called my dad. 

My dad always woke early getting coffee at Casey General Store. Him and his buddies meet up for coffee, cigarettes, and gossip in our small town. I knew I could always count on my dad and he could always make me feel better. Even though he liked Tyler, I was his little girl (no matter what). He answered the first ring saying, “Ash, what’s wrong”. I told him I need him to bring his trucks and trailers, that I was moving out of the apartment and back home if he will have me. There was no question about it, he said “I’m on my way”. 

I take a deep breath, walk out into the living room, hoping not to find Tyler overdosed on the floor or something, but he was gone. Tyler had left with my car and my debit card. I guess hitting him and locking him out of the bedroom gave him the green light to go get more fucked up. 

My dad and Treyson

I ignored it completely, acted like I had seen a ghost or daydreamed it. I was in denial, but my mother would bring me back to reality when we went to visit her cousins for the weekend. The second night we stayed we got to drinking games and ended with Truth or Dare. Besides me being in my bra and undies running through a neighborhood and getting lock out of the house, we had a great time. That was until I had enough liquid courage to confront my mother of my suspicions all these years with her and Rod. 

The first question I asked was “have you ever cheated on dad?”. She didn’t hesitate, didn’t looked confused, or even flinch at the question. She simply said “not before he cheated on me first”.  That response told me I wouldn’t get the truth out in front of her family and decided to ignore the liquid courage the rest of the night. 

The next day, while driving back home my mother decides to ask me why I had asked if she cheated on my dad. I decided then that I would not say much and just let her talk. I shrugged my shoulders and kept quiet. She started talking and I don’t remember much after she said “yes, your dad cheated on my before we were married. After I was pregnant with Nick, (second to oldest brother), your dad didn’t want anything to do with me. I went to Rod just to talk and things happened. It happened just once after Nick was born”.

WAIT, BACK UP, DID SHE JUST SAY AFTER NICK WAS BORN?!?! My I mind was racing with fear, anger, confusion, lost, and my mother must have seen it on my face. She then says “I’m not sure if your dad is your biological father”. Yes, this bitch just told me the dad I grew up with, calling him dad every day since I was born, might not be my dad. Oh, oh no, you don’t mean….

As my mind is racing with so many questions and confusion, I didn’t realize she was telling me that Rod, my current boss, a man I‘ve know my entire life as a “family friend”, his kids I babysat for years, could actually be my biological father?! I’m sure theres more to what she said but I didn’t hear, I was too busy being freaked the fuck out and having to face my dad and Rod while having this information known. I told my mom I needed time to process everything, that I didn’t want dad or Rod knowing I know until I was ready to deal with it. I needed time, it needed to process fully before even talking about it to anyone. 

Processing it or ignoring/avoiding it was more my style then. I was afraid to hurt my dads feelings or even Rods feelings. Was I mad at dad for cheating first and to have “pushed my mother to cheat”, how she explained it. Or was I mad at Rod for coming in between my parents. So, many questions, concerns, worries, that I couldn’t process it.

I had just moved into my own apartment, broke off my engagement, worked with Rod daily, and didn’t want any part of the drama my mother put on me. So, I dealt with it the way I felt best, talked to my dad and told him everything. Everything I could think of what my mom had told me. I even told him about seeing Rods truck at her apartment the prior weekend. I vomit all this drama shit onto my dad, the sweet, quiet, caring father of mine. He sat there quiet while I got everything out in the open, he just listened. 

Once I started crying and asking him what the hell happened, he simply said “I told your mother not to tell you”. I don’t remember much else said after that, but I’ll never forget the look on his face. He was determined to make his marriage work no matter what it took. I tried telling him that she’s cheated more that just the once, that there’s more to it and this is just the surface of her schemes. Few months later my mom moved back in with my dad. I knew then my dad deserved better but respected his wishes to be with her.

These things were placed in my mind, I didn’t just make them up. My mother put these thoughts into my mind. She was avoiding her truth…. 

Back then I had a lot of questions for my mother. I had been babysitting Rod’s kids since they could crawl. Rod was a family friend, what we were told, even got me a job at the print shop as a folder in high school. Before we get into that, keep in mind, Rod was my boss from a young age, babysitting his kids, now working for him at the print shop.

Every summer I watched Rod’s girls, took them to parks, library, pools, walks, etc. I always made sure we had something to do to keep them busy. It was almost like they were my younger sisters, little did I know, that could have been true. The questions I mentioned before, I didn’t ask until I was nineteen, with some liquid courage. 

There were times my mother would come by Rod’s house to “check on me”, always about the time Rod would be home, but not his wife. Many times my mother would say “I’ll meet you at home”, instructing me to leave. I always thought it was weird and asking my dad once why she went over there. Questioning my mother was not something any of us did. My dad only said “we all grew up together, they’ve always been friends”. That didn’t answer my question, but the demeanor he had told me I hit a nerve. 

After moving in with my mom, we had become more like friends now that we lived together without the boys around.  We spent more time together and talk more now. We had to share a bed for a few weeks while I waited for my apartment to be available. During this time, I was wild and crazy going out every Friday and Saturday night dancing!

One particular night, my mother asked me to stay at a friends house that night so her and my dad could have some time together. Since they were separated and “working on things”. So, I made plans to not return that night. While coming home after the club I decided I needed to get something, can’t remember what it was now, and needed to get it before going to a friends house. Now, the club closes at 2:00am and the stop to get food and drive back, it was probably 3:30am when I pulled up the the apartment my mom was staying. When I decided to keep driving right by her car and a truck that looked exactly like Rod’s truck. 

I told my friend never mind whatever it was I needed, it could wait. Never mentioned whose truck was there, and I don’t think she noticed. I was embarrassed not only for me but also embarrassed of my mother cheating on my dad with, of all people, Rod. I didn’t sleep at all that night while my mind raced on what I actually saw. I know what his truck looks like, he was my boss at the time. 

What does one do when they’ve caught their boss, over the years, at their mom’s apartment at 3:30am on a Saturday morning? Can you guess what I did?

Let’s fast forward a bit and get into the nitty-gritty drama filled part of my life shall we. No, age fourteen was not my worsts of dramas. Maybe it was the first, but definitely not the last. 

I‘m 19 years old, just broke my engagement off with Jeremy of 3 years and moved out of his house and into my uncle’s apartment with my mother. Let me explain.

I started dating, actual dating, when I was 16 years old. My first real boyfriend was Jeremy, who took my virginity. Not that he ever believed me, cause I didn’t bleed my first time. They are called tampons and I had been using them since I started my period. Anyways, we dated all through my high school, went to my senior prom, etc. Up until a year after graduation when I left him, broke off our engagement, and didn’t look back. There are too many reasons to explain, but honestly I did myself a favor by leaving.

During this time, my mother and father separated, can’t remember how long or why. I remember my mother and father always arguing, usually mom crying about something dad did or didn’t do. My parents would go WEEKS without talking to each other. They always slept in the same bed but would avoid each other. My brothers and I would get the “go ask your mom/dad” so we became their messengers during their fights. My mom would be in her bed, laying on her stomach watching tv after work while dad always kept busy out in the garage. 

My dad was quiet and didn’t say much, not like my mom, all she does is talk. When I think back, it’s probably because my mom would talk over him or not give him a chance to say something. Again, complete opposites my parents were from each other. I remember one night my parents arguing and I woke up to my dad saying, “I’ll drive into a tree and make it look like an accident”. I opened my door crying and yelling for my dad to not leave. My mom was yelling at him and he kept walking away from her, even as she’s pulling his arm. Those things happened more than I want to admit. I always heard their fights since my room was next to theirs. I never told my brothers about the fights, always thought if I told them, then they might actually divorce. 

There were so many times I remember my mom crying and blaming my dad for whatever it was he did to make her upset. At one point I had an attitude towards my dad for treating my mother “that way”.  Who would have thought I grew up with a manipulative narcissistic mother that knew how to get her way. In my teenage years, I thought my dad was the perfect dad, but the worst husband. I was confused how much my dad cared about us kids but not care as much for my mom.