My time

It’s been two weeks since Matt and the kids left. It’s been a week since they came and took everything out of the house. I do mean everything, all the dishes I had from my marriage, all the furniture I bought for the living room, our room and the kids rooms, etc.

The motivation I have to clean and get the house ready is torture. Just being in this empty house once again drives me to want to give up. This morning I drove around aimlessly just thinking about what the fuck I’m going to do. Still nothing, but I did decide to cut all ties from Matts friends and family. I was only going to speak to Meagan and Lynda, the ones I thought I could trust even if Matt and I split for good. 

Megan was Matts friend, she married his best friend from school. I had tried to call her after I’d been ignoring her. The first thing she says is “he’s not getting back with (the cunt), but they need to talk for the kids”. This was a trigger and I couldn’t hold back. I called to get support, to talk to someone about my feelings. I then had to make the decision to completely cut all strings to Matt. 

Lynda was like the mother I always wanted. She had the best mom hugs of all, those I will miss more! She is family to Matt, she will never be able to support me in the way I need. So, I had to cut ties with her as well, after another disappointing call to her. This was not easy, but I have to do what is right for me. I know if I continue the relationships, I will never get over Matt and the kids. 

Tomorrow Matt and the kids are to get the rest of their stuff I had put in the garage. I plan on keeping the garage door open all day. By 3pm, I plan to drag anything they left and set it at the curb. I wish I didn’t have to take anything with me at all, but I’m so broke I’m sending nudes for money on SnapChat to keep my account above negative. 

People used to make comments about my lack of emotions. I can only imagine what my life will be like once I get back on my feet. I know I need to keep to myself, I still have the habit of wanting to help. 

I need help, from myself, not from anyone else. I need to be here for “me” moving forward. That is when life for me will be worth it! Not saying my life wasn’t worth it prior to now, more like “lessons learned”. I know I deserve more, I deserve to be treated better, I deserve a better life than what I’ve been living. I have been living for everyone else, being there for everyone else. 

Who’s been there for me? Guiding me? Helping me? Pushing me to keep going? Who was there for me at my worst? Me……only ever me. 

It’s time I start doing things for me, not for anyone else, just for me. Pamper myself, and not the way I’ve been doing it for years. I deserve an actual spa day, a massage without quilt, time to feel good about myself! 

For today, I take day by day, literally. I’m cleaning, painting, packing away to sell my house. That’s as far I got with my plans. Why, you may ask, because I’ve always been a planner. I’ve always been in control, or so I thought. I was never in control, I was under their control. I only worried about their needs instead of my own. Somehow that is going to change! 

So, hang in there with me on this fucked up journey of mine, it’s no way near the end!

Some couples have arguments about the kids, money, or stupid shit. What did we fight about? His ex-wife, nothing more nothing else, just the dumb cunt not leaving us alone. 

Mind you, my son left, my niece left, and today Matt and the kids left. I allowed myself to completely depend on a man, trusted that I would be taken care of no matter what. 

That wasn’t true and I found out the hard way! Just because someone breaks you, doesn’t give them the right to keep doing it. After writing about my life, I realized I have trauma over and over again. They all have the same thing in common, me putting myself last and allowing myself to be put in that situation. 

Once again, here I am in an empty house. This time I‘m completely starting over, not even sure what that looks like. I do know one thing, I‘m no longer forgiving, no longer helping others! 

From now on, it’s about me and me only! 

I guess you can say I do have a type in men, addicts. Tyler is a drug addict, Dave was an alcoholic, and Matt is addicted to his manipulative narcissistic ex-wife. 

Matt may or may not know he manipulated me. For example, I explained that he was just like the others, making me have to leave him. Meaning, I had to make the decision to leave and not want to. I have had to do that with every man I was in love with, Tyler, Dave and now Matt. They weren’t in a position to be in a relationship and instead of walking away, or get the help they needed, they stay and torture me. They knew their issues, I told them and also tried to help them. 

None of them took the effort to try, they talked the talk but wouldn’t walk the walk.

Call me selfish, call me whatever you want, how about just don’t call me at all.

Cutting people out of my life has been easy, simple, stress reliever actually. I don’t care who you are, my mother, son, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, whatever. 

If you don’t bring positivity into my world, you no longer belong in my world. 

It may get lonely in the beginning, but lonely is better than being manipulated. Not everyone knows they are manipulating others, like kids pick up on it, try it and if it works they will keep doing it. As they grow older, they should learn that honesty is better than just getting your way, at least I did not sure how exactly.

For example, Mason is fourteen and waited until the last minute to do his project. He came to me right before bed for “my help”. I had seen Matt “help” him last year with his projects and knew this was a manipulation tactic. I do believe a fourteen year old knows how manipulation works, he’s been watching his mother manipulate everyone around her his whole life.

All three kids have that manipulation personality, that doesn’t come on its own, it’s taught. 

When I say it’s taught, I mean that you choose to be manipulative as you get older. Matts boys are old enough to understand and see it, but they still try it on me. What they don’t see is how it affects me personally. Having to tell Mason “no” gave me an anxiety attack. I had asked him in the beginning of the week if he had homework, he said no. For him to bring it to me right before bed the day before its due, while his dad wasn’t home, meant he forgot or thought I would do it for him. I stood my ground and told him no, in reality I was saying “no, I’m not allowing you to manipulate me into doing your project for you.” 

But why should we get into Matt and his kids? He literally just moved out two days ago with no explanation. Let’s back up a bit and explain in detail how I saw all the signs and ignored them, I guess that’s my thing. (Insert eye-roll here) Matt was, and still is, being controlled by his ex-wife, the cunt. No, I refuse to mention her name, she’s not worth mentioning by name so I can refer to her as “cunt”. For the next two and a half years, Matt and I try to have a life and family, we loved each other, or so I thought. 

Everyone saw the bullshit for years, instead of his family and friends telling him to get out, focus on the kids not her, they told him what he wanted to hear. Matt can only commit to his family and nothing more. He’s as petty as his mother, blinded as much as his stepmother, smart but an asshole like his dad, and committed to being there for his family like his step dad. 

Imagine growing up from a baby to a grown ass adult with two sets of parents, yeah I can’t either. 

It’s funny how I get mad at people leaving me “to live a better life” as they say, instead of just being a decent human being. 

Honestly, I give them the tools, the resources, the motivation, and the courage to stand up for themselves. I guess that’s on me, standing up for yourself and being manipulative is a very fine line. There are more people out there now that would rather manipulate than try at anything. 

Speaking of not trying…

My son and his father are a duo pair! I literally got a call from Tyler, Treyson’s father, telling me I “needed to be a mother and go get our son”. 

Are you kidding me? To the man that was gone from our sons entire life, BY CHOICE. 

I told him I raised a boy until he was sixteen and he walked out of my house by choice. If anything, its now his turn to turn that boy into a man. He also had the audacity to tell me that him and his mother had a great idea, I “should sell my house, go get our son, and we live in Odessa, TX with Tyler”.

First response to him was “your mother should keep my fucking name out of her mouth”. I kept my composure, not sure why, I just explained to him that I’m never going to take care of anyone else. That I have ignored my wants and needs my entire life, now it’s about me. 

Narcissists shouldn’t have kids, they can’t care enough about another person, let alone raise a decent child. They appear to be involved, they appear to care. Matt couldn’t see the bullshit that she was putting him and the kids through, but I could. 

Technically, he had a good idea since his ex-wife immediately starting dating his first cousin/best friend. No joke, they even got engaged! That same week his cousin proposed, Matt was with the cunt, this is probably the sixth to tenth, who knows, time he’s gone back and forth to me and the cunt.

Finally, Matt caught her while sleeping in his bed. He went through her phone and she was with his cousin, Todd, the night before. So, he calls Todd and they confront her, in Matt’s bed. 

Not kidding, both of those dumb fuckers stood there and asked which one she actually wanted. She chose Todd, he has more money, duh. 

Matt and I got back together, yes again, there were a shit ton of times I couldn’t keep up. 

While at Matt’s mothers house, telling her the story of Todd and the cunt, he decides to tell us both that he fucked the cunt after comforting her with Todd. What kind of fucked up shit is that?? What’s more fucked up is that Todd took that cunt back, after being called out of her manipulation, lies and cheating the 18 months just wasnt enough. 

Not like I have room to talk, I was just as dumb for taking Matt back again and again and again and again and again and again…………………………………

Anyways, Chris and Matt come over and immediately get into it. Matts wastes no time to get my naked, not a clue what Chris was doing. I’m laying on my back on my bed naked, one man kissing me, one “down-yonder”. 

Matt was a great kisser, again not sure what Chris was doing “down-yonder”.

Once they flipped positions, Matt was so on point he made me climax so hard I had to tell him to stop and ran to the toilet to finally puke all the shit I had been drinking all day without food. Matt took that opportunity to head out back to the party. Chris on the other hand thought he had another chance, he was wrong. Told him to leave that I needed to be alone, so he left and said he would return. I locked the door with my app on the phone and crashed.

The next day I had a note tapped to my door from Matt, even though he had already messaged me on facebook. I was interested but not emotionally ready for any kind of relationship. Talking to Matt became easy, comforting, and therapeutic even. He had his issues and I had mine. We ended up helping each other, or so I thought. 

We met in April of 2023, he divorced around October of 2023 and he was practically living with me. At some point his ex-wife kicked his oldest son out and he came to live with us not long after that.

Matt had three kids and their mother that was just like mine.

April of 2023, Matt and I met from our kids being the same age and grade. Paxton wanted his dad and I to meet. When I first met Matt I was in a position of independence and confidence in myself. 

Now, today, I sit here wondering what I could have done in a past life to deserve to be left behind by so many.

Matt had his oldest son come to my house and make sure I was coming to the crawfish boil his buddy was having down the street, he previously invited me to. (Back story, his friend was someone I had sexual relations with while he was still married, from what I know now) I wasn’t going to go knowing his friends wife was there and I didn’t want shit started.

We are all adults and we make decisions, whether good or bad. 

Once Paxton came down to my house, only two blocks away, I had to go see myself, did I really get the giddy feeling the other night when I met him? He was drunk, couldn’t walk drunk but he was funny. Something told me I had to get to know him more. So, I went to the party with a drink in one had and no fucks in the other. I had the attitude of “it’s my time, I deserve to have fun too” moment. 

At this time, Trey was currently living with his biological father in Brownwood, TX. His father showed up expecting help and I showed him the door, not doing that again. Tyler hadn’t changed much, how can he with his mother enabling. Tyler ended up a few hours from us and got a job and lived with a woman. 

This was manipulation from Tyler, he always had the perfect sweet talk to get his way. Anyways, I decided Trey needed to go live with him and see how “not easy” it was. This made Trey worse, not better when he returned to me. 

Anyways, Matt and I had so much in common, his soon-to-be ex-wife was a manipulative narcissistic cunt that only cared about herself. 

WOW, this sounds oddly familiar! Focus, bitch…

Back to the crawfish broil, Matt and I had hung out the entire time and I never laughed so much. I felt comfortable, safe, and excited just to be around him. 

We drank all day and into the evening when things got a little weird. 

Some how I end up in a truck with a guy named Chris pulling up to get Matt and go to my house.

Now, I’ve had some experiences, but I knew there were so much I didn’t experience but wanted to. I would say I’ve always been sexually active, but I wouldn’t say I have an addiction.

It was a quiet ride home for me, Trey spent it on the phone making his plans. He had X and his family waiting at the house to get all his stuff out. Fortunately, Matt (his story coming) took me and Emma on a drive so we could break down in tears without having to watch him leave. Emma was just as upset about Trey leaving as I was. She was mad, said the only reason she came down here was for him and now he’s leaving her. 

What I didn’t tell you is X and Emma had a relationship prior to this. Conveniently, X and Emma met in Illinois and dated until his family moved to Texas, Dallas area like us. Emma and X had a long distant and very toxic relationship. The more I got to know X the more I couldn’t stand him. He couldn’t step up and admit his wrongs, he did drugs and drank all the time, he dropped out of high school with a half a semester left. This was not someone I wanted around. Emma and X had split up when she came down to Texas so she could focus on herself, X had other plans. 

While X took my son with him and his family to live, I thought Emma and I would become closer. That wasn’t the case and when she turned eighteen, she also left with X. She stopped caring about school, quit her job, kept stealing and lying constantly. I did the same thing with Emma, made an appointment with Chris, except I was taking her back to Illinois. That was until I woke up and she had left with X so she wouldn’t have to go back to Illinois. If you ask her, I also kicked her out and didn’t care about her. 

All this time, the effort, the money, nothing worked and I started doubting myself again. Sessions with Chris became weekly for me. I was lost, still lost, and have no where to turn. 

I’m not perfect, never wanted to be, but do I really deserve all this?

You are probably thinking, what’s wrong, they’re gone. Well, triggers, emotional damage, manipulation trauma, no help from family. The simplest things take me down so easily. 

Since Trey and Emma have left, I was able to build the strongest relationship, I thought, ever. He wanted me as much as I wanted him, only one problem…a narcissistic cunt that’s like a mole living under your house every day torturing you and destroying the foundation of your home. 

Ultimately, that’s exactly what she did.

By the time school started, Emma had a better attitude and was easier to wake up than Trey. Trey gave up all together that year.

I had to make my decisions, based off his decisions.

We had weekly appointments with Chris, as well as Emma did. They knew the expectations and chose differently. By the end of September Trey hadn’t been in school even one day, instead he would hide at the school.

Come to think of it, I got a call from the school on my first day at my new job and had to go get him. I was lucky they didn’t fire me; they had every right to then, key word.

Every morning I would dread my days, it was the same thing over and over, nothing changed, nothing got better. 

I had finally had enough of Trey’s decisions affecting me daily. 

I set up an appointment with Chris for Trey and I both. 

I had already had other sessions without Trey to prepare me for this, I felt like I was ready, but I did not know the outcome. We sat down with Chris and explained to Trey why we were here. I reminded him of the rules in the house, the expectations for school and work. I explained that he can no longer stay in my house, that I had contacted a Teen Shelter for him to stay. I explained that this was temporary, depending on his choices. He immediately started screaming and yelling, Chris did his best to calm him. Trey refused to go to the teen shelter and asked to step outside to cool down. 

While Trey was outside, Chris and I discussed the options again, this was the only option we had left, we tried every thing else. Once Trey came back in, he said he wanted to live with his friend X. “X” is another one that is not worth giving a name too, wish he wasn’t worth mentioning at all. Anyways…

I looked at Chris with confusion and asked Trey to step back out for a minute. I wasn’t expecting him to live somewhere else, all our family was in Illinois, never thought his “friends” parents would allow it. 

Chris and I talked about it and I knew then Trey was going to do whatever he wanted and I had to deal with it. This is where Chris came in to help, he reminded me that I need to do what’s best for me, Trey is making his own decisions. I told Chris that if he went with X that his life would be ruined forever. I told Chris that if he left with X then I could never let him come back home. This is where Chris reminds me, manipulating and enabling go hand in hand. I needed to stop enabling him and get him to stop manipulating me. 

Trey came back in and we discussed the options again. I said “if you go to the teen shelter it will be temporary, but if you go with X and his family, you won’t be able to come back home ever again.” With Trey’s quick reply of “ok, fine”, I wasn’t convinced he completely understood, I looked at Chris to help. Chris explained it again, if you choose the shelter you can go back home, if you choose X’s house you will not be welcomed back at your moms.

Trey’s face lit up and said he understood.