My time

People love to watch you after knowing you and then no longer knowing you. They like to watch, make their own assumptions about you, create stories, and talk about you like they still know you. People love to judge, especially family, and my family is no different. Part of me is asking why I’m even here, what’s the point of all this? I am currently in so much pain that I can’t physically do anything I want to do. I would love to go hiking, get out of this house and do anything. 

My life is at a stand still and it makes me think that maybe all this patience is for nothing. I’m about to start a job in a few days, I want out of this house asap, but I need the financial support of the house being sold. Is it greedy to want to start completely over, fresh start, no bills, no owing my dad money, no sacrificing for others? I want as much as I can get out of this house that had so much potential for so many people and in the end, did nothing for me. 

I now hate this house, I hate seeing what could have been as I sit here in all the emptiness and loneliness of what could have been. Another emotional stage, before there was anger, specifically at Matt and his family. Then there was the hope of something better, finding myself in this life I haven’t technically lived, just existed. 

Now comes the doubt, the fear of a life all alone. Even friends I’ve made while in Texas, I don’t have a friend that I can trust fully anymore. 

Thinking back to all the years, how I’ve opened up to people hoping to gain their trust, but ultimately lose myself in the process. How is it that I can be the most honest person I have ever been and be so alone? 

I guess people really do hate hearing the truth.