My time

Maybe this anger is supposed to light a fire under my ass again, this time way more selfish. I think about all the selfish things I want to do, literally can’t do them now with no money. But will I actually do those selfish things once I have the money?

It sucks how much time you have when you are lonely and the shit that goes through your mind. My mind is fucked, as you have read so far. I don’t see how me being selfish is going to help me become a better person, but what the fuck do I know?! Trying to be there for everyone else, I thought, was my purpose in this life. Time and time again I am proven wrong and why can’t I accept that? 

Why is it so hard to accept myself, to be there for myself, to want to be there for myself? 

You know the “want” to do something and the actual “need” isn’t there. Like laundry, some wait until the last minute to do it, others do it while there’s only one load or two. The “want” to do laundry is greater than the “need” to do laundry. How can I get myself to “want” and “need” to be selfish, to take care of myself for once? The daily pain in my lower back/tailbone is another “want” and a definite “need” but with no money, no benefits, how? The “want” to do yoga is there, but the “need” is not. 

Yoga has been my thing since moving to Texas, it’s calming, relaxing, strengthening of the mind, body, and soul (if there is one). That’s where I question if I even have a soul, or do I believe in “souls”. Believing in souls means I believe in something….but what? So many people believe in God, the Bible, or something to that extent. I sit back and understand now that I never truly believed, even growing up in a Christian church. I wanted to believe and I did fake it for a long time. Now, I’m questioning everything I have ever known. I listen to stories and want to believe what they believe, but how? How, when, or why can’t I believe like they do? Honestly, I “want” and “need” to believe in something and I come up empty every time.

Even believing in myself.