My time

Of course, me being in this house still is hard for me to think of anything BUT the failures of my attempts to help and love others. The willpower to move on positively is not here, not in this house. It’s like a dark hole, pulls me down every time I have to be here. Which is every day until it’s sold, which gives me anxiety and the feeling of giving up all together. 

Ok, so I took myself out of the house, my anxiety is almost as high as being at “home”. Except I didn’t feel this in my car, I was safe, comfortable, and in control. I guess that makes sense, I can find comfort in objects more than people. Not just any objects, ones that I have purchased myself, the literally only thing I’m proud of having now. It used to be proud of the house I could provide for us. 

How can I be proud of myself at this time in my life? As soon as I typed that, the song “This is me” remix came on my Spotify. Every time I hear this, it makes me want to cry. I don’t know if it’s because I can’t believe in myself or if its everyone else is not believing in me???????? 

How does one start believing in themselves when no one has ever believed in me, except my dad?…My dad may have questioned my decisions but ultimately respected them. He’s always been my supporter, my push to keep going, to allow myself to feel what I need to. This man, not knowing if he raised another man’s child, has been my rock from day one. 

This makes me think family is your test in life. If you can remove yourself from the negativity, which is family, you will live a more meaningful life. There are more and more people that choose “new family” versus their biological family. My whole life was wanting family around, the more the better! The more chaos the better a family sticks together…..