My time

I got over it going to my appointment alone and when I got home Tyler was there, I gave him the ultrasound photos and said, “you missed it”. He said he was sorry but then celebrated having a boy and started calling everyone. He didn’t notice I went straight to bed, not celebrating with him. He never noticed, there was so much he didn’t notice. Like me taking a puff of a cigarette every once in a while to keep me calm. 

Every time Tyler disappeared for few days I would be anxious thinking he would never return. Once I did go to his dads house asking if they knew where he was. His dad said he came by the other day needing money. I told him we didn’t need money, that Tyler used his money on drugs. I told his dad to never give him money, he has and addiction and they aren’t helping. 

I do have some respect for Tyler’s dad, he raised four boys when their moms left them with him. He could have left them or sent them away, he didn’t. He wasn’t the perfect dad, no one is, and he did become a dad at a young age. Brandon is Jamie’s oldest, his mother was also a drug addict. Brandon was raised more by Jamie’s mother, since Jamie hadn’t finish high school by the time Brandon was born. 

Tyler’s parents, Cindy and Jamie, got together and she helped with Brandon, then had Tyler, Deric and Rhys. Jamie was in the military, and they traveled while having the boys.  At some point, Jamie was too much for Cindy and she started an affair. I know this from Tyler and Cindy’s parents telling me about it. Cindy had an affair with her now current husband. She left the kids with Jamie to “start her new relationship”, quoting that from Tyler and his grandparents.

By the time he got out of jail I had another apartment ready to move into across town. Again, it was only in my name, hard to have credit when you have everything handed to you. Once I hit about seven months I started having contractions. Came to a point they were consistent and I had to get checked out. So I took myself to the hospital and called the family to let them know. Tyler showed up after my parents, that were on their way out of town. Of course, my mother had to make a comment to Tyler about not being around for me. Yes, it was true but there is a time and place, this was not it. 

By now, Tyler is more comfortable speaking his mind as well, so him and my mom start yelling at each other. Nurse came in and told them both to shut up and leave if they couldn’t get along. She then looked at me and said “and you wonder why you’re in premature labor”. Both my mom and Tyler stopped and just looked at me confused. I hadn’t told them I felt the contractions few days ago but they stopped. The hospital eventually got the contractions to stop but I was placed on strict bed rest. 

Tyler worked when he decided and would disappear for days. One time I had an appointment I had to drive myself, didn’t know where Tyler was. At my appointment I sat there watching other women with their partners supporting and helping them. I sat in that waiting room and couldn’t control my emotions. I start hysterically crying and a staff member came out and took me in a back room, apparently I was scaring the other moms. 

My doctor came in and the nurse told her I was there alone and that I was just emotional, not in any pain. My doctor whispered something to the nurse and walked out. I figured they were going to call and have me admitted to the psych ward. Instead the nurse came with a wheelchair and told me to get in and try to control myself. She wheeled me out to the parking garage and handed me a cigarette. I looked at that like it was poison and would to kill my baby. I was a smoker previously but I quit as soon as I found out I was pregnant. The nurse told me the doctor told her to take me out there, that one puff will not do anything to my child. I did, I took one puff and it calmed me down, that’s all I needed. 

Once we got back into the office for my appointment, the doctor came in and said that my stress was more dangerous than a puff of a cigarette. I opened up to her about my situation with Tyler, how he was supposed to be there, especially today. Today was the day we found out if it a boy or girl. The little shit has had us in suspense since the other ultrasounds he wouldn’t turn over. I knew in my heart I was going to find out it was a boy, I had dreams of a boy for weeks. I hated that I was going to find out with no one there to celebrate with me. 

Cindy came up to me at work and said, “do you mind not telling anyone yet, I haven’t told my friends”. That’s when I saw Cindy in a different way, and it turned ugly from there. This is the woman that suggested I date her son, now she’s embarrassed because we are having a baby “out of wedlock”. I didn’t take this information lightly, and as she walked down the hallway, I yelled, “Hey, guess what?! I‘m pregnant and Cindy is going to be a grandma.” I couldn’t tell if she heard me or just ignored me, but she didn’t turn around. 

No one was going to tell me anything anymore. I was now a mother and I did what I thought was best for me, not anyone else. I could care less on our image; we were in our twenties and could handle this responsibility. My brother had already had his two girls, from two different women. Something inside me changed while I was pregnant, another fire was lit or something. 

I loved being pregnant, loved feeling him move and grow. I was glowing my entire pregnancy because I was so happy, when Tyler wasn’t ruining it. I was about probably three months along when Tyler got put in jail for again driving on a revoked license. I believe he had to go to jail for 30 days. Those 30 days made me realize how bad Tyler was in drugs. 

I had a visitor at our apartment. A man stood in front of me with a gun pointing at me, at my belly, at my child. I stood there not knowing what to do when our neighbor came to my rescue. The neighbor came down with about five other guys with guns and told the man to leave and to never return. Tyler had asked our neighbor to watch over me while he was in jail. He never mentioned this to me or the fact that people would show up at our apartment looking for money he owed them. 

The apartment was perfect for while I was pregnant, food cravings that is. Across the street from Dairy Queen and you better believe I ate fries and  dipped them in ice-cream almost every day.  It was also down the street from my favorite place for wings. I literally ate wings for breakfast and dinner most days. 

I took a test at the end of my shift at work with a friend, she was convinced I was pregnant. Tasha was such a good friend, we had weekly dinner dates. She bought two tests, I couldn’t buy them cause Cindy might find out. I took the first one and it immediately showed up as pregnant. I was convinced it was a false positive. The second one I took and said the same, no waiting the two minutes, it was positive. 

I’m not sure if it was the shock of it, but don’t recall telling Tyler. I know I did I just can’t remember how it happened. I remember Tyler being excited and thought it was the best news he ever heard. While Tyler jumped for joy, I sat calmly while my mind raced. I had convinced myself that I didn’t need kids, that if I couldn’t get pregnant I would adopt. 

I wasn’t letting anyone stop me from becoming a mother, I just didn’t expect it at twenty two years old. When I told my parents, Tyler wasn’t there with me to tell them. That was my decision, especially since my parents were aware of his drug addiction and temperament while on drugs. I thought it was best to tell my parents alone to get a real response. Be careful what you ask for, I told my parents and got the worst look from my mother. 

This wasn’t a sincere, sympathetic, or even emotional look she gave me. If I had to describe it, it would almost be a look of desperation and jealousy. My mother and I weren’t on good terms and for her not to support me was devastating. Everything I was mad at my mom for was gone and I just wanted her to comfort me. She didn’t, she wasn’t happy and told me “this isn’t good news, what were you thinking”. 

I wasn’t thinking anything except that I was going to have this baby and no one was stopping me. When Tyler told his parents, without me there, I guess he got he same reaction. 

Tyler and I met because of his mother introducing us, I worked with her while working in the hospital. She neglected to tell me he just got out of jail; we made plans to meet at a local bar. He walked in with confidence, I knew it was him from the picture she showed me. He was cute and on the smaller side for men. He weighed 140 and was about 5’6” and training to be in MMA. I was a huge fan of the UFC back then, Chuck “Iceman” Liddell will always be my favorite. 

His mother, Cindy, had placed him on this pedestal before I even met him. Not realizing she was just as much as a manipulator as my own mother. I was “in love” with him before I met him, plus I loved his mother, naïve is the word. Tyler and I hit it right off and immediately became a couple. At this time, I was living in a trailer with a girlfriend of mine and her daughter. 

I remember a time I watched a friends baby while at her night shit job. Tyler was so helpful, I stared in awe of how well he was holding the baby while I cleaned up the kitchen. We were talking about when I got finished I asked him if he wanted me to take her, he said “can you imagine us like this for real? Having a real family?” I knew then I wanted to marry him! 

Tyler and I decided to get an apartment together, just down the road from both our jobs. Let me clarify, I worked at the hospital while Tyler worked for his father at a junk yard. Tyler didn’t have to work for anything ever. I should have known this when the apartment had to be in only my name. Anyways, after about six moths of living together, I get a call at work from Tyler. He’s telling me he got pulled over and he needs me to bring money to pay the ticket so he doesn’t go to jail. Maybe its my willingness to help or just the fact you are to support your partner, but I did exactly what he needed. That’s the first time I learned he didn’t have an active drivers license, it had been revoked this whole time. 

Did I look up what “revoked” meant? No. Did I ask him why its revoked? No. He had a car his family gave him to drive. Why would they willingly give a car to someone that can’t legally drive? This is called enabling and Tyler will never learn the hard way. Months went on and by time Christmas came, I was pregnant. 

This was not planned, nor did I think this was a possibility. I had been told by my gynecologist that having a family would be difficult, even more difficulties than my mother had. Yes, I was seeing the same doctor that delivered me. He told me to make a five year plan when I want to start a family. Leave it up to me to prove a doctor wrong. 

As soon as I walked inside, I immediately broke into tears knowing I will never see him again. That was Dave, he ghosted people, he ghosted his own brother and he was going to ghost us. I thought maybe since I had been his longest relationship, that fact we were married for almost seven years, and my son called him “dad”, he might not have. Dave did what Dave does best, run away and ghost the people that were in his life. 

It didn’t bother me to be ghosted, I get it for me, he didn’t listen and that was on him. At first, Treyson was happy we were free from Dave’s expectations and now no longer his disappointments. As time went on, Trey really missed him, missed having a dad around, missed saying the word dad, once again. Even today, years after the divorce, Trey still wants Dave in his life. Dave was the only “dad” he’d known, he chose Dave just as much as I did. 

Dave knew about Tyler and his absenteeism due his drug addiction. Dave and Tyler met once right before we moved to Texas. Dave always worried Tyler would come back into our lives. I wasn’t worried, I was convinced he would overdose or go to prison. You may be thinking, “damn, that’s harsh”, but you’ve never seen him on drugs. It was about two years after we moved from Illinois to Texas when Tyler went to prison, the first time anyways. 

During the time Tyler was locked up, he wrote me two letters. The first was was blaming Jordyn for he drug addiction, it was never his fault, always someone else’s. He always  blames everything on anyone but himself. He can thank his mother for that, she’s been enabling him from the start and to this day still does, while also enabling my son. We will get to that part later.

February 3rd, 2021 – Finalized Divorce with Dave

December 30th, 2020

Two days after Dave left, I woke up with so much anger I had to burn my energy somehow. I did just that, with all of Dave’s items. I got boxes down from the attic, got packing supplies and started in our room and bathroom. I had all his clothes, shoes, everything out of the closet, boxed up and in the garage. Once the closet and bathroom were packed, I still had so much anger and started wrapping his furniture I knew he would want. I even put bubble wrap around his dresser, desk, night stand, etc. By Saturday night, I had everything of his packed I knew he would take or want. I took a picture of all his stuff in the third bay garage and sent it to him with no words. 

He called me probably six times before I finally answered, he’s crying asking me what that stuff was, that I can’t be doing this to him now, blah blah. I told him that I was really done, I have tried and put all I could into us this past year, while he drank, played video games, and verbally abused me and Trey and I was not taking it anymore. I told him I would file the divorce papers Monday, which I did. 

Again, everything went smoothly, Dave didn’t come back until we got the house sold and he came with his dad to get his stuff and his dogs. I left work knowing Dave was at the house packing up for the last time. I wanted to see him, I wanted him to tell me he would change, that we were worth it. I wanted to still love him, I wanted to “want” to stay and keep trying. If I could just look into his eyes one more time. 

When I looked into his eyes, they were distant, disconnected, lost. I wrapped my arms around him one last time, and he whispered in my ear, “I didn’t know it was this bad, I‘m sorry”. I just stood there, watched him walk away, then drive the U-Haul away.

Dave snapped more and more often, mostly about Trey not doing or doing something he didn’t like, or he accused me of cheating constantly. I don’t know exactly when during COVID he changed, but the drinking got out of hand. I finally told him the drinking was a problem, but that didn’t stop him. I stopped picking it up on my way home from work, thinking that would stop him. Of course not, that was a good enough reason for him to leave the house, but for no other reason.

I would come home to ten or twelve empty beer bottles sitting on the counter when I got home from work. I didn’t work late, it was five in the evening. So, by the time I got home Dave was already drunk, some times in a good mood, but most of the time in a bad mood. His mood didn’t get any better while “World of Warcraft” came out. Some video game he played years before and they updated it. This also became an issue, even for his job not that he would admit.

I had to travel for my job out west and I was excited and nervous to leave Trey with Dave. There were times I had locked me and Trey in our guest room while Dave threw his tantrum.s He would scream and yell “you’re white trash, you will never be anything without me”, or “you’re such white trash as your family, go back to where you came from”. Those weren’t even the nastiest things he would say about me and my family. 

Six years was long enough to know how things will turn out, but I was determined to keep our family together. I tried for the next year, while divorce papers sat in my desk at work. I threatened to leave, he would tell me to leave, but it was all talk. 

As COVID is slowing down, Dave decides he needs a break from us and goes to Alabama to visit his parents. He left in the beginning of July and stayed the whole month.

We didn’t talk the first two weeks, I was enjoying the time without him, Trey and I both did. When he got back, I thought the drinking would slow down if not stop, no way he was drinking that much in front of his parents. Unfortunately, the drinking didn’t change, it got worse. So much worse, our Thanksgiving in 2020 was one for the books! 

Dave and Treyson were always hyperactive playing video games or whatever. Anytime they got along was a blessing for me. Dave and I made friends with a few neighbors and it really started feeling like we belonged there. That was until Dave caused the biggest and stupidest scene ever. 

Our neighbors from two doors down were similar to our personalities. Mike was a body builder, as a hobby, while his wife Kristin was a stay-at-home mom. They had one boy and one girl close to Treyson’s age. The kids got along and us parents got to party. We tried to party anyways. This wasn’t the first time we hung out with them, but it was the first time we drank all day and all night with them. 

As the night went on, Trey wanted to go home and chill playing video games. So I ordered pizza for us all at Mike and Kristin’s. I took some pizza to Trey and checked on him and the dogs. I got back to the adults when Dave said that the music sucked, I asked Mike if I could play some music, thinking it was a compromise for Dave. I turned on some music, oldies but goodies, Mike and Kristin liked the music but Dave gave a big sigh. I walked him down the driveway asking what was going on with him. He was clearly drunk and the asshole had replaced Dave, which I had no idea. 

Dave proceeded to tell me that the music was stupid and he didn’t want to stay. I told him that we were listening to his music but the three of us didn’t like rap as much as he did. We were listening to all kinds of different music. Once I put my music on it became a problem, so with my liquid courage, I told him “too bad, go home party pooper”, hoping he would laugh and loosen up a bit. That did not happen, not even close. He yelled “fine, fucking go have fun without me”, and I knew then he was gong to snap if I didn’t walk away.

Dave was Italian/Mexican and his temper did not disappoint. I saw the temper he had and I ignored it. Prior to us moving, we went to meet my dad at the local bar in my small town. We ended up finding a table and it was packed with a band. We were having a good time, so I thought. When the bartender, Megan, I grew up with, was the only one there and looked stressed. I decided to help clean off some of the tables, literally just throwing empty bottles in the trash and glasses on the bar for her to wash and reuse. 

I got a few tables cleaned off and took some glasses up to her and she thanked me. By the time I got back to the table, Dave was gone. I was enjoying the band and a few friends when dad told me that Dave had left. I was confused, asked him why, he said he didn’t like seeing me clean the tables. I looked at my dad thinking this was a joke and he was really in the bathroom. It was not a joke, he walked back in the bar just then, so I got up and grabbed more bottles off another table. He gave me a look that made me want to throw a bottle at his head. He walked up all pissed off and said, “I didn’t come out with your dad to watch you work for free”. I tried to explain that the bartender was a friend and just wanted to help her out. He didn’t care, didn’t even try to listen to my reasoning. So, I walked away when he wouldn’t listen to anything I said. I told him to leave if he couldn’t calm down and just talk to me. 

He left and that’s when I should have walked away forever, but then again, I‘m glad I didn’t. This was only maybe six weeks of us dating. So, I sat and stewed for a few hours. Dad and I talked about it and he said, “Ash, don’t let something so stupid stop you from loving him, if you love him, go to him”. That’s exactly what I did, as soon as I knocked on his door, Dave opened it crying. He explained that I was “too good” for these small-town people, that I deserved better. He was my knight and tempered prince. 

Things went so smooth the next six weeks that we got married, exactly three months from the day we met. We eloped at our local courthouse; we had it scheduled a week in advance. We got all the paperwork, even the custody papers completed. Nothin was stopping us! We were so stupid in love, we both jumped with both eyes closed. 

The transition went well; I had the house in order the first week we moved in June. By August, Trey started school and I was itching to get back to work. Not working the 5 months to get the house sold, buy a new house, and move did really well for us. The whole thing seemed too good to be true.

You ever get that feeling of the other shoe about to drop? I did all the time, but never expressed it, superstitious of it coming true. The first few years were blissful, not perfect as we all had to learn to live with each other. Once we bought our “forever home” I thought we would be living like other people I’d envy on social media. We were financially comfortable, so much that we had no debt but the house, pool and cars. I could go shopping anytime I wanted, and spend whatever money I wanted. I never did spurge, but I did go out “shopping” for nothing a lot at the end. I didn’t realize it then that working and “shopping” kept me away from the house. I enjoyed the quiet, honestly I still do!