My time

I have good days and bad, today is probably week two without my antidepressants, strictly THC at night. I still feel nothing about selling my house, now supposed to close in three days, hopefully. I still get frustrated that I couldn’t get the house to work with, well, anyone. I originally got it for Trey, not to go back into an apartment. Then I was open minded about others, to help them with what I could, those never worked. Then my last and final attempt was Matt and the kids. 

All I think about is Matt and the kids when I think of that house. That part of my life is over, I have to let it go so I can move on. Am I moving on? I have no one here I can depend on, no one that if in an emergency they would be here. How many people can honestly say they have someone they trust to come help you when you need it the most, but at the worst time? Others have lives, not everyone can drop everything and be there. 

I was that person for my brother while his wife, my sister-in-law, fighting cancer. I was that person for Trey, many times, even times I could have lost my job. I was that person for Matt as well, a little bit different but still… where are those fuckers now?? Nick is in Illinois with his fifth kid, telling me of “my sins and I’m going to hell”, while Trey is being enabled by my mother, and Matt?? Welp, you would have a better idea than me. 

Many people don’t believe the full moon affects people. If you ever worked in healthcare you know differently. I watched it happen while working in Critical Care, some crazy shit happens. Today is Cyber Monday, also another day off for me. I had made plans to go to Illinios and thought that would not be in my best interest. But Dad had already made plans with Scruffy and Alisa, Ben and Nick have their families and traditions. 

I think to myself “some day we can be friends just like Chad and I are now”. In reality, I doubt that will be possible. I looked at that man as my husband more than Dave, who I actually married. How can we go from friends, to lovers, to together forever, to nothing. We can’t even talk to each other without wanting to be around each other. So, we just deal with the emptiness and hope some day things change. I say “we” as if he’s going through the same thing I am. He may be, but I tell myself he’s not, he’s back with the cunt and they talk shit about me all the time to make themselves feel better. 

The older I get the less friends I have, is that on me or on them? We will never know. 

I chose not to speak to family anymore, too much drama I could care less about.  Side Note: Trey, my only son, has decided I’m no longer welcome in his life, unless its on his terms. He’s not in school, hasn’t completed his GED, not working, and still blames me FOR HIS CHOICES! That’s what I get for trying to call him.

I knew I was getting emotional last night with Daddy. He is an atheist and honestly believes there is no purpose in life, but we are living in the best era. He views that completely differently than I do. He believes there is nothing that comes out of life and that the world will be gone. Of course, my overthinking ass decided to go down that rabbit hole and give myself a migraine. I crashed out early and left without waking him. I was feeling needy, emotional, and trying to wrap my head around what he believes. He views this life very scientifically, we came from a species of monkeys and eventually our government will crash, apocalypse style without the zombies. 

We all have our beliefs and what we hope is true, except me. I can’t wrap my head around anyone’s beliefs let alone create something out of nothing. Then I just go back to, I hope there’s nothing…nothing to see, hear, feel, taste, smell, just nothing.

That’s the only thing that makes sense to me right now, nothingness.

I can feel myself wanting support, emotional support, and I can’t be dependent on anyone emotionally. I still think of Matt all the time, curious if he’s ok, if he’s as miserable emotionally as I am. Not that it matters, we obviously can’t make it work. 

This makes me want to crawl back into a hole and rot away.

Better yet, what if I got a horrible disease and nothing can cure me, I only have so many years to live….then maybe we could make it work for that short amount of time. 

That’s even doubtful, we never even made it six months consecutively,that cunt wouldn’t allow it. I just went to Rockwall to get my THC cart, from my new dealer. The whole time I was there, wondered if Matt was near by, maybe driving and maybe seeing him, I looked but nothing. I gassed it out of there before I talked myself into driving by that cunts house, just to reassure me this is the right thing to do. Why do I need reassurance? Why am I always like this with Matt? I walked away easier with Tyler and Dave. It seems that way now, but Im sure back then I felt this same way. Why is this so hard to let go?

Even being with Daddy the past few days, while I’m there I can focus on him and have a fuck-tastic time. But once I leave and the feeling I get around Daddy is gone, my mind goes back to Matt. Most of the time it’s nothing sexual or in a relationship sense. It’s more of a I wondered what he’s doing, how’s he’s doing, if he’s still on track with his goals he set. I miss our talks, our laughs, just us being weird together.

You know how when you’re young and you get your first orgasm, its intense, like a lighting bolt through your entire body orgasm? Well, I have came a lot in my forty years, not once had I ever felt like “my water broke” during one. Not kidding you, I had the BIGGEST Craziest orgasm ever in my life. Not kidding, I squirt so much it literally felt like “my water broke”. We both stopped and had to take in what just occurred, then realizing it we both starting laughing. This wasn’t an embarrassment laugh, or a judgement laugh, just a laugh of “holy fuck that just happened”. 

Even with that little break, we kept going, over and over he made me orgasm like I’ve never thought possible. Our sex wasn’t forced, or awkward, unless you talked about the “do I have something on my face” followed by a queef. We literally had the best time, sexually, mentally, definitely physically. 

Today is Thanksgiving, I woke up next to him and snuck out of bed just be there, in the nowhere of Texas taking it all in before I leave. I sit on the front porch just listening at the birds, bugs, and nature around me. I needed peace in my life, no drama, no lies, no manipulation, no arguing, or fighting. Just blissfully unaware that today is the day I dreaded before I met “Daddy”. 

Today though, I feel like I got ran over by a truck, a few times. I guess you can say it’s been a LONG damn time since I’ve been sexually satisfied by a real man. Second night with daddy didn’t disappoint, another extremely satisfying night. For some reason I kept bringing up my son, family, my emotions are building up. I woke up and snuck out of his house like an ashamed prostitute. I’m not, just uneasy, wasn’t feeling safe there today. Could just be my emotions getting the best of me after Thanksgiving was treated as just another day. 

Let’s first start off with, he got me a gift, a gift I never saw cuming, pun intended. After us just talking, he went and bought me a vibrator, a sexual toy to pleasure me, not him. A man has only known me a week and knows more about my sexual tension or drive more than anyone has ever really paid attention. 

I had all the intentions to tease the shit out of this man, I’ve been so good at for years. What I didn’t realize that this motherfucker was teasing me in a way I didn’t expect. The drive there was calming, not exciting or nervous, just calm. I first got there I started overthinking and decided to ignore the annoyance of myself. I hit my THC cart to help relax, instead the moment I saw him getting groceries out of his car I wanted to jump his bones. 

I couldn’t tell what it was, the more we talked, the more I became intensely horny and couldn’t stop thinking about what this man could offer. When he brings out my gift, I immediately wanted to strip down and just let him….let him do whatever he wanted. I couldn’t wait anymore, not after he took my glasses off and kissed me so gently. He wasn’t forceful, he wasnt rushing, he was just letting our lips and tongue find each other. 

I became so turned on I needed his dick in my mouth. I love sucking dick, its my thing, everyone has a thing. Anyways, dropped his shorts right in the kitchen and took control for a bit. That is what started a night of so many orgasms, laughs, and incredibly needed night for both of us. 

I pull up still in awe of the drive and just the free feeling of being “nowhere”, so peaceful. Now, if one of the kids told me about this story I’d be worried about them getting killed, but at this point in mind life, who cares. The openness of his yard, the peaceful nature surrounding him with no neighbors, no city lights, no sirens, just nature as it is intended. 

I first got there and the connection we had was instant, a calm, safe, peaceful connection. I immediately felt calm, relaxed and even happy. He saw me, actually saw me, not at my body, not at what I could do or provide for him. He saw me in a way I don’t think anyone has ever seen me. It was weird but comforting, after a week still trying to sort it out. 

We talked, saw his 35 acres, played with his 10 small dogs, 5 free range chickens, and 11 toddler chickens. I dont know shit about chickens and what age they need to be to free range. 

This man has so much to give all these animals, all the care, nurture, and safe place for them. He is their savior, their daddy, their protector of all other things. Never thought he would become mine as well…

We spent about six hours together with no expectations, just getting to know each other. He then invites me over thanksgiving eve to get to know each other better, even offered me to stay the night. This was, in my head, just a booty call with a great guy and hopefully we have some fun. 

All my life I chose people to be in my life, but they never truly chose me. If they did choose me it was for something, never nothing. My son left because he didn’t like my rules. Matt left because he couldn’t love me. It’s not even about love, it’s about caring for someone else to think of them before making decisions. Decisions are what people are afraid of, choosing the wrong decision, choosing the right one but not appreciate it and then lose it. 

Today is thanksgiving and I am thankful for the most caring, selfless, funny, sexy man I’ve only known a week. We met on Facebook Dating, even though my profile specifically says, “causal and friendships only”. I decided a man with so many dogs in his life, he has to be a good person. So, I branched out, letting the universe “take the wheel”. 

I asked if he had plans on a random Sunday while still trying to figure out my feelings about selling my house, or I should say feeling numb about it. I decided I needed a pedicure from my favorite place when he text back inviting to his farm. 

From where I was it was an hour away, so about an hour and a half from my new apartment. As we text and decided we were going to spend time together, I didn’t feel anything but calm. The drive there was gorgeous, middle of the day with a cool breeze, perfect for a drive with the windows down! 

Tyler text me telling me he never forgave himself, I’m sure that’s true. I told him I forgave him many years ago, but Trey needs him now more than ever. I’m not mentally capable of taking care of anyone, that realization came to me abruptly last night. Zach, classmate of mine, has been helping me financially and emotionally lately. 

I didn’t realize how much I needed someone to be here for me, even if it’s temporary. Zach is a good guy, always has been. He’s not in a great spot mentally and emotionally, but financially he’s done well for himself. Unfortunately, he’s not proud of himself, instead he constantly puts himself down. Of course, I tried to help…..AGAIN with trying to help someone. Especially, someone that doesn’t want the help. He’s content with his working and drinking habits. Who am I to tell him not to live that way? 

How do people just let go of willingness to be happy? And what comes next can’t be good if they stay like that too long. I bring up my suicidal thoughts and he almost breaks down immediately. I know he’s struggling, I want to help, but I know he doesn’t want my help. 

Who am I when I’m not taking care of or worried about someone else? What happens if I don’t try to help? Will he get to that point of just giving up? How can I be there for him without trying to help him, while trying to focus on myself? So many questions and never any understanding answers. 

That’s life right, all the questions and never enough answers. I really just want one question answered, “What is my fucking purpose here?”

I always wanted to be a mom, have a family, be happy with the people I have around me. Why is that so hard? Why can’t I get anything I want? What does it take to figure out my purpose?

I have decided to move past Matt and the family I thought I had. Nothing I did made him want to stay, why I kept torturing myself with what I thought I wanted. 

I wanted to be wanted. 

I started my job this week, so far I can tell I will get along with Nabiha and our manager Ester. Of course, there’s drama, you put too many women together and jealousy bullshits starts. Thankfully, Ester is on top of it, she says, and apologies for it constantly, and makes sure Nabiha and I are solid. 

First weeks are the worst, you have the safety meetings, the training, the patience to wait until you get real work to do. I will be learning from Daija, which I’m not thrilled about. She’s very negative and is way too social for me, and apparently for Ester as well. 

Other than that, Matt emailed me ‘Hey’, that was it. This mother fucker wants to send me ‘Hey’ after everything? That has my blood boil and at the same time want to talk to him. I think about him all day every day, I even accepted all SnapChat requests, more than 500. It’s really annoying and most of them want to see me naked. At the same time, it helps keep me busy not thinking about Matt and the kids. 

I did respond back, pretty much telling him to fuck off and that any mail will be on the porch. I can’t see him, I know I’m not strong enough. I would give anything to lay next to him just one more time. Have him hold me like he would never let go, like he used to. Instead, I am pushing him away because I can no longer fight for him when he’s never fought for me. 

It doesn’t matter how it ended,  its about now, all that matters is that I need to move on without him. 

I can’t listen to any more of his lies, the shit he says to make it all better for now, I can’t let him back into my life. I have to move on, I have to sell my house and get the fuck out of here for good. Part of me wants to just die in this house, just like all my relationships with people. 

I have more and more of an understanding to people like Robin Williams. If he’s not laughing, he’s crying alone. He suffered internally that no one can truly understand. Even if he tried to explain it, you will never know the extent he had to live with it. This may make people think my suicidal, but who are you to judge? The thought crosses my mind multiples times a day, especially now. 

Even though I have told you about my past and my current situation, you have no fucking clue what goes on in my head. I have tried to explain it, to so many people and no one understands. You can’t make people understand, you can’t make people “want” to be there for you either. 

I can’t have anyone be here for me because I will feel like I owe them. I am, I was there for Matt at his lowest and now I’m at mine without him “owing” me anything. Why do I have such high expectations for myself? I want others to have higher expectations for themselves. Ok, now I know the “why” how do I stop?????

Is this how people snap? One day they just go off, instead of writing, like I ‘m currently trying? Is that what I‘m ultimately doing, subconsciously? Trying to keep my shit together, not snap, be patient and allow whatever to show me the “why”? 

But again, WHY in the fuck do I have to understand the “why”? Why can’t I just not give a fuck and move on without the emotions ? How can I push myself to be someone I‘m not, but seems safer for me? Hey, that seems pretty selfish, maybe I‘m slowly catching on? Well, I’ve got two more days before I start my new job. I will do my best to stay positive and keep pushing through.