My time

My checking account is dwindling, my patience is even worse. I am miserable physically, mentally, emotionally with no real relief in the near future. I sit at home, either sleeping, okay mostly sleeping. I don’t feel good, haven’t since I went to the hospital, nothing I do make it better. No sleep makes me feel rested, I’m drowning in what my life was to what is not now. 

I cry cause they say to let out your feelings, to overcome what’s been bothering me. Just one question, when the fuck does it end? When does life start again without the lonely misery of what my life was and now is just at a stand still? When do I truly move the fuck on for myself without all this emotional drainage? 

Most days I wish I had died that day in the movie theater, it’s not like I’m living. My body wants to shut down and I don’t blame it. I’m so broken hearted with family, my only son, bonus kids and friends that have moved on. While I sit in misery, constantly feeling nauseous, constant headaches that only get worse, the constant sweats while freezing. Something is wrong with me and I have nowhere to turn for medical help, with no insurance and no money.

No life shouldn’t be this fucking painful, emotionally miserable, and mentally daunting. 

The saying is “Life is what you make it”, meaning having personal happiness by your own actions and/or choices. 

What about what’s not in your control? Health is not in your control and getting myself medical help is impossible. So, I ignore my health, I mean I eat as well as I can afford but other than that, it is what it is. 

Mental health is not cheap, my therapist working with me financially helps. I need more, I need motivation, positivity when I’m nothing but negative.

My weekends are spent doing nothing, watching the days go by, waiting for the day I could drop dead.  All while watching my money get less and less as it gets closer. 

I need a fucking break, I need something to give, I need something to just go right for once. What does “go right” mean? The fuck if I know, but it has to be better than what I’m currently going through. 

Oh and Happy Easter…