My time

Every day I think about my “episode” at the movie theater, to every little detail. Why did I black out? Why was I in/out of consciousness but paralyzed or unresponsive? Why did I not feel myself drenched in sweat until it was mentioned? Why could I hear people, feel people, even see people when my eye lids were opened for me but couldn’t respond or move?

Why the fuck do I always have to know the why??

Professionally, I ask why to understand the process or reason behind it. To completely understand something you need all the details and the “why’s” I think are the most important ones to ask. I have gotten many “because that’s how we do it” responses and I can’t wrap my mind around it. There has to be a why, why did we start this (process/procedure) in the first place? What happened to create this process? 

Have you ever felt like you were completely different than anyone else on this planet? I do, all the time with almost everything I say or do. 

Today at work, temp job, I was asked “why do you do it that way?”, sparked something inside me and I was excited to explain my logic behind it. It was nice to have someone acknowledge “my way” as opposed to the other 20 or so people doing the same job, but with a different process than me. It was the look during and after my explanation that got me realizing, no one understands me even when I explain it. 

Some may actually ask the “why” again, most don’t like today, and still not understand. The difference with me, I am the one to keep asking why if I don’t understand. Of course, typing that out made me think “that could be annoying”. What’s wrong with honestly trying to understand? If you truly care about knowing why, I mean you asked, then care enough to keep asking until you understand. 

There are many different ways to explain the “why” and sometimes it takes a different approach. I tend to be more direct with my approach, sometimes even honest (wink). What’s funny, to me, is that I haven’t changed even losing people in my life for being brutally honest and direct. I don’t see me changing that either.