My time

Dave and Treyson were always hyperactive playing video games or whatever. Anytime they got along was a blessing for me. Dave and I made friends with a few neighbors and it really started feeling like we belonged there. That was until Dave caused the biggest and stupidest scene ever. 

Our neighbors from two doors down were similar to our personalities. Mike was a body builder, as a hobby, while his wife Kristin was a stay-at-home mom. They had one boy and one girl close to Treyson’s age. The kids got along and us parents got to party. We tried to party anyways. This wasn’t the first time we hung out with them, but it was the first time we drank all day and all night with them. 

As the night went on, Trey wanted to go home and chill playing video games. So I ordered pizza for us all at Mike and Kristin’s. I took some pizza to Trey and checked on him and the dogs. I got back to the adults when Dave said that the music sucked, I asked Mike if I could play some music, thinking it was a compromise for Dave. I turned on some music, oldies but goodies, Mike and Kristin liked the music but Dave gave a big sigh. I walked him down the driveway asking what was going on with him. He was clearly drunk and the asshole had replaced Dave, which I had no idea. 

Dave proceeded to tell me that the music was stupid and he didn’t want to stay. I told him that we were listening to his music but the three of us didn’t like rap as much as he did. We were listening to all kinds of different music. Once I put my music on it became a problem, so with my liquid courage, I told him “too bad, go home party pooper”, hoping he would laugh and loosen up a bit. That did not happen, not even close. He yelled “fine, fucking go have fun without me”, and I knew then he was gong to snap if I didn’t walk away.

Dave was Italian/Mexican and his temper did not disappoint. I saw the temper he had and I ignored it. Prior to us moving, we went to meet my dad at the local bar in my small town. We ended up finding a table and it was packed with a band. We were having a good time, so I thought. When the bartender, Megan, I grew up with, was the only one there and looked stressed. I decided to help clean off some of the tables, literally just throwing empty bottles in the trash and glasses on the bar for her to wash and reuse. 

I got a few tables cleaned off and took some glasses up to her and she thanked me. By the time I got back to the table, Dave was gone. I was enjoying the band and a few friends when dad told me that Dave had left. I was confused, asked him why, he said he didn’t like seeing me clean the tables. I looked at my dad thinking this was a joke and he was really in the bathroom. It was not a joke, he walked back in the bar just then, so I got up and grabbed more bottles off another table. He gave me a look that made me want to throw a bottle at his head. He walked up all pissed off and said, “I didn’t come out with your dad to watch you work for free”. I tried to explain that the bartender was a friend and just wanted to help her out. He didn’t care, didn’t even try to listen to my reasoning. So, I walked away when he wouldn’t listen to anything I said. I told him to leave if he couldn’t calm down and just talk to me. 

He left and that’s when I should have walked away forever, but then again, I‘m glad I didn’t. This was only maybe six weeks of us dating. So, I sat and stewed for a few hours. Dad and I talked about it and he said, “Ash, don’t let something so stupid stop you from loving him, if you love him, go to him”. That’s exactly what I did, as soon as I knocked on his door, Dave opened it crying. He explained that I was “too good” for these small-town people, that I deserved better. He was my knight and tempered prince. 

Things went so smooth the next six weeks that we got married, exactly three months from the day we met. We eloped at our local courthouse; we had it scheduled a week in advance. We got all the paperwork, even the custody papers completed. Nothin was stopping us! We were so stupid in love, we both jumped with both eyes closed. 

The transition went well; I had the house in order the first week we moved in June. By August, Trey started school and I was itching to get back to work. Not working the 5 months to get the house sold, buy a new house, and move did really well for us. The whole thing seemed too good to be true.

You ever get that feeling of the other shoe about to drop? I did all the time, but never expressed it, superstitious of it coming true. The first few years were blissful, not perfect as we all had to learn to live with each other. Once we bought our “forever home” I thought we would be living like other people I’d envy on social media. We were financially comfortable, so much that we had no debt but the house, pool and cars. I could go shopping anytime I wanted, and spend whatever money I wanted. I never did spurge, but I did go out “shopping” for nothing a lot at the end. I didn’t realize it then that working and “shopping” kept me away from the house. I enjoyed the quiet, honestly I still do! 

My life in Texas was going to be great, better than great! I had so much hope and love for our little family, Dave, me, Treyson, Loki, Louie (dobermans). You could say we did have some great years, it’s the ending that sticks with us. It’s never the positives we remember, always the bad. The first few years we did great. We got Dave out of student loan debit and credit card debit. We bought our “forever home” with a pond and we installed an in-ground pool. We had it all…until COVID. 

I don’t know how to describe it, but people changed, tons of people. There were so many suicides during COVID, the loneliness, the jobless, the fear of infection, etc. We all changed in some way or another, good or bad, we all changed during COVID. Two years of our lives locked down, the world divided, the fear instilled in us, and some of us didn’t make it. 

The divorce rate during and after COVID was the highest in record years. Why? Because we got locked in our homes, pushed with fear, everyone having their opinions. Work was harder for everyone, some even lost their jobs. You could include me, but that’s not as honest, and we will get to that. 

Like I said, COVID changed us all. Dave no longer wanted us in his life. He will say he tried but Treyson going through puberty during COVID… that’s what “did him in”. Treyson was home schooled and Dave worked remote. They both got to stay home all day while I got to go to work. I loved that job, loved my boss, the loved the owners, everything about it, did I mention I loved that job. Anyways, during my job, I would get multiple calls from Dave and Trey, arguing over something, everything. I felt like I had two kids around the same age arguing like I did with my brothers when we were younger. This was a grown ass man and an asshole pre-teenager bouncing off the walls. (Yeah, I called my son an asshole, all teenagers are!)

Dave and Trey got along the first five years, Trey was ages seven to twelve years old. Dave’s maturity level was pretty much the same as Treyson’s age, which I should have realized prior. Dave did teach him how to ride a bike, throw a football, landscaping, play video games, and, my personal favorite……how to be verbally abusive.

Anyways, while my grandparents are down in Mexico trying to save my grandmother. My parents, Uncle MJ, and Aunt Courtney all made plans to go down to Mexico to visit their mom during treatment. Something had come up and apparently my mother made the decision to wait for the next coming weekend to visit. The original weekend they planned to visit was unfortunately the weekend my grandmother had a heart attack and passed away. 

This was back in the 1980s, if you died in Mexico you were buried there. My grandfather refused to leave my grandmother down there alone. He put her in the back seat of the car. He drove her across the border with a blank over her, telling them she’s ill and tired. When he finally made back in our hometown, my grandmother’s body was swollen and not recognizable. 

This is supposedly when my mother’s issues became extreme. She blames herself for not being there for her mom. I don’t know the relationship my mother and her mother had, so I will never truly understand how she feels. At the same time, my mother’s brother and sister were functioning fine to the outside, why couldn’t she?!

It’s about acceptance, accepting our trauma, accepting the things we can not control. Acceptance is not easy, but avoiding it is so much worse. My mother became a hoarder, she had a path to her bed. She has many other little things, like her obsession with pens and counting her steps. The hoarding was an issue for my dad, and later for me, but now just her, JT and Trey’s problem.

Back when my parents were together my mother got a laptop and started sitting out in the living room while on it. This was a change from always being in her bed watching TV. This became an issue for me since I would come home to a pile of essentially trash next to her chair. This would pile up in just a day, all with my brother and his girlfriend cooking and making messes was just too much for me. 

My mother had been seeing a therapist since her mother passed away in 1987. I believe she has seen the same therapist all these years, most of the time she would go twice a week. To my knowledge, therapy is for trauma situations that help you accept and move on. That is, if you are 100% honest with your therapist. You only need them after for the triggers that come up. 

My mother dedicated her whole life to lies, manipulation, drama. I removed myself from the drama, the lies and the manipulation. But it wouldn’t be the last of her scams!

At a young age of 19, I have been questioning everything about myself. Who could be my biological father? What was he like? You are sitting there like, “bitch you took the DNA test with Rod and told us it was negative”. Well, turns out the results were negative, but Rod wasn’t the only potential one, besides my dad that raised me. Turns out there was more than just Rod that she cheated on my dad with. I still respect my dad on his wishes not to do a DNA test with him. From his point of view, if it comes back negative how will it change us? Will it change how he feels about me, will he be angry towards me, unintentionally? These questions will never be answered, fortunately for him. 

My mother’s stories became clear to me that she had no idea who could be my biological father and shes really didn’t care how that affected me. She knew Rod wasn’t and her plan with him failed. She had her next victim lined up and ready, this time she gets what she deserves. She ended up marrying JT at the Christian Church we grew up in. I refused to take part as I could care less about either of them. 

My mother married a man that left his wife alone to fight cancer only to die alone. Here my mother thought she was going to live this luxurious life. Well, today I can say that her life is nothing but pain, sorrow, negative, and sad. If you don’t believe in karma, you may after reading this!

Let’s get into my mother’s issues, there are many so we will hit just a few. My mother lost her mother when I was only two years old. This is a very dramatic and tragic story, bare with me. From the stories I’m told, my moms mom, my grandmother, got cancer and tried all kinds of treatments that were FDA approved in the US. Apparently, my grandfather, lets call him Irv, wasn’t going to give up and researched more about treatments down in Mexico, even though they weren’t FDA approved, he was desperate to save her.

I remember a time we pulled up to my grandparents house and telling them goodbye. I remember because we just got there but telling them goodbye and lots of crying. This memory of mine is probably the day they left for Mexico. I only have two memories of my grandmother, that day and one other during some holiday. I was sitting on my grandmothers lap giggling and eating pickles in her kitchen. My mom walked in and saw us, put her hands on her hips, and said “what do you two think you are doing?” My grandmother laughed and squeezed me saying “we’re in trouble now”. That was it of my memory, but it makes me smile every time I think about it. 

My mother must be the subject of everything; she must have the spotlight on her no matter what. I came to realize that my mother was jealous of me, had always been jealous of me. Jealousy can be nasty emotion and will turn people into a something completely different. Did you know this is actually common for narcissist mothers? Look it up, there are tons of research on it! 

My mother was not just jealous of me; she was jealous of anyone getting attention other than her. This was true at Nick and Ambers wedding and wasn’t going to be any different at Amber’s funeral. My mother made some kind of speech at Nicks wedding; I didn’t hear it since I left as soon as I heard her voice off the speakers. 

Amber’s funeral wasn’t different, but I was going to do my best to control her impulsive drama. Oh, she started right off the bat, walked in and sat behind my dad. It wasn’t an issue until she tried talking to him and he walked away, which gave her a reason to make a scene. I heard my mother say “why can’t you talk to me?,” to my dad as he walked away. I immediately grab her and pulled her into a back room, telling her this wasn’t about her, it was about Amber and Nick and not to make another scene or I would make her leave. She stayed in there a while to calm down and finally came out and sat back down. I was hoping she learned and would stay quiet, I should have known better. As the minister said “would anyone like to say anything” my mother grabbed her opportunity in front of everyone. She walked up, grabbed the mic, and said a prayer. My brother and I had to sit there and let it go to not make more of a scene. I knew he was pissed; he was at the wedding too. I didn’t bring it up, no one did, it’s like we all wanted to act like it didn’t happen. 

These things happened all the time with my mother. It always has to be about her, negative or positive, didn’t matter. You are probably wondering why does all this matter, well, it does matter to the daughter who was raised by a jealous narcissistic mother. I’m a forty year old woman that has drive to want to help everyone but herself. You could say I‘ve been lost my entire life, not knowing who I really am. When you’ve been lied to your entire life, how can you know who you truly are? 

I remember Amber calling me telling me shes pregnant and how excited her and Nick were to have another baby on the way. I was so excited and sad that I wasn’t going to be there like I was before. What none of us expected, Amber got diagnosed with breast cancer and the doctors advised her to terminate the pregnancy so she can get chemo and radiation. Amber, just like I would have, refused to terminate the baby. She knew the risks and she took it anyways. For that, I will have the most respect and love for my sister-in-law that brought her beautiful son to this world! 

Nick and Amber fighting her cancer and taking care of the kids 3 years after Carson was born. Until March of 2017, three years after I moved to Texas, got a called from my brother with bad news. Amber was in the hospital due to having a seizure. I took a flight up to visit and get the details on next steps. Doctor came to tell us the cancer had spread to her brain and will need to go home on hospice. This news crushed all of us, we didn’t want to believe it. I came home while she was still in the hospital. About a week went by when I got a late call from Nick, I couldn’t understand a word he was saying expect “I need you here” and that’s all I needed. I left the next morning, leaving my family, my job, my school, everything to be with my brother and sister-in law. Thankfully, my professors, boss, son and husband were understanding, like they had a choice. 

I spent the next week taking care of Amber, the kids, the house, whatever I could help with. I even made dinner one night for everyone. After the first few days of being there I knew I needed to get started on Amber’s arrangements for when she does pass away. Nick was not going to be able to think clearly and I wanted to help him through this. I made calls and appointments to speak with everyone about Amber’s visitation and funeral arrangements. Amber’s family found out and was angry at me for ‘‘wanting her dead” but they were in denial and I was helping my brother for the after effect. That day came 3/31/17 Amber passed away in my brothers arms just after midnight. 

During this time, I found out that something happened between my mom and Amber. I never really got all the information, but I knew how my brother felt about my mother and him NOT allowing her to speak at Ambers funeral. He also requested she not give a speech at his wedding, but that didn’t stop her nor would this. 

Betsy had tried to warn her mom not to get involved but kept my promise not to tell. We all sat around talked about it all for hours, even days. That was the top subject in our family being ripped apart. Everyone was picking sides and my mother was working on hers. She went to my brothers and told them, well, her side, of what happened. Nick and I were always close and she had already gotten him to turn on me. My brother didn’t talk to me for over a month, listening to my mothers bullshit lies and excuses. Ben was like my dad, hated confirmation and avoided it at all costs. Hence why he’s in the same situation my dad was in, we will get to that as well. 

As the family get togethers are weird and the subject of my mother, I did my best to avoid her. When Dave and I  eloped at the courthouse, my mother wasn’t happy I didn’t have a real wedding, even though I never really wanted one after my brothers wedding with Amber. As our family was fighting, arguing, avoiding each other, my brother met Amber! That was the highlight of my time left in Illinois. I loved Amber and loved that she married Nick and had a daughter together!

Once I moved to Texas Amber and I talked every day! She was the biggest supporter I had, beside my dad, about moving. I felt like she was going to be the one to mold the family back some how with me out of the way. Amber was big on family and supporting each other no matter what. I got angry as time went on with family, no more patience for drama. I hadn’t realized how drama filled my family was until I moved away. Gossip and drama was all anyone ever wanted to talk about, I couldn’t stand the negativity. 

The house that I grew up in, the only house I’d known forever was exposed with only 4 poles holding it together. I felt that way myself, tread lightly I don’t have much holding me up. Dad was focused, never seen him so focused before. He didn’t want to talk, just work. He ripped through the entire house and completely remodeled it. He needed something to keep him busy, take his anger out on, and then redesigned it the way he wanted it. He did just that, it turned out a lot better and he was able to sell it years later. 

With all this going on, I still keep my mothers secret, but remember I only got “four poles, maybe only two” now keeping me together. Well, that is when my Aunt Courtney, my mothers younger sister, decided to help our relationship, but ending up opening “Pandora’s box”. Courtney hated seeing us argue or completely ignore each other, or rather me ignoring my mother. She called a Relay For Life meeting, our fundraising group for Courtney’s cancer. I was naïve and went not realizing all who weren’t invited, it was me and my mother. 

They ended up blocking me and my mother in the kitchen with Courtney until we solve our issues. I can’t recall what set me off, something my mother said did it. I erupted on my mother and her infidelities, and everything came out. It’s like I  blacked out or something because all I can recall is yelling at my mother, her smirking and telling me “your dad knew the whole time”. That’s when someone stepped in between us thinking hands were going to start flying. I was the one to leave, I actually ended up at Rod’s house screaming at him for ruining my family and telling his daughter of his infidelities over the years. 

I drove around for a while until Betsy, Courtneys daughter, asked me to come back to her house. I walked in with a fire under my ass, I was pissed and no one could calm me down. That was until I looked at my aunt, she was lost, confused, in denial, didn’t know what to think. She looked up at me and said “tell me everything”.

I wasn’t there when my mother talked herself out of this mess she created, she probably planned it that way. She had moved out of the house with just her clothes and went to get her new boyfriend, that’s also still married, and moved him to our small town. I don’t have all the details of the guy because I just don’t care, but I did find out he’s exactly like my mothers father. Let’s get into that shall we!

So, my mother has now convinced an old classmate of hers to leave his wife and run away with her. She so convincing, he did just that, even while his wife was struggling with cancer. You heard that right, while my parents are fighting over shit with the divorce, this other man’s wife was fighting cancer and now doing it all alone. Her kids weren’t JT’s, but he dropped them all like they were yesterdays trash. Well, that’s a little harsh since he was still keeping her on his insurance policy and sending her money “to support her during cancer”.  JT never had to file a divorce, instead he waited it out and she ended up passing away. 

While my mother gets an apartment with JT, my dad is now in the house I grew up in all alone. I got a call from someone telling me I should check on my dad. They saw what appeared to be a wall of some kind on the  side of the street to be picked up. I didn’t think that warranted a visit, so I called dad and he sounded fine and keeping busy. Few days went by and I got another call, this time “I’m not telling you what’s going on, you have to see it yourself.” So, I take a trip to visit dad and walk into the house to see two poles holding the ceiling and all walls are gone, the top floor of the Bi-level is completely exposed, no dry wall, nothing. I holler for my dad who’s in the basement, that also has two poles holding the ceiling and no walls.