My time

While sitting and listening, to get an understanding, I was receiving a  “verbal warning” for my ATTENDANCE and LOW PRODUCTIVITY. I immediately stopped them and restated what they just told me. I said, “well, I‘m not doing this with you (speaking to my manager), this is retaliation and I refuse to continue this with a target on my back for asking your manager (my managers manager) a simple question. You’ve been harassing me ever since and I don’t stand for retaliation”. I set my badge on my managers desk and walked out. 

At first, I was like “good for you, standing up for yourself”, then the five minute drive home I started to freak out. But once I got home, changed clothes and decided I won’t let them ruin my day. I went tanning and decided a pedicure was definitely needed! Now home to cancel some appointments and write just to help get it off my mind. Once my nails are fully dry, I plan on doing SOMETHING today!! 

Well, I didn’t do shit except go down a very dark hole of “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s”. The rabbit hole of “what ifs” that drain your soul, at the extent that you want to give up. That night took a turn I wasn’t expecting. I reached out to those I’m comfortable with to being emotional drama psycho with. Fortunately, for them and myself, I didn’t get any responses until I got desperate enough to call Tyler. Yes, the father of my son, that at the moment he “has his shit together”. He was and will always be a great talker, he can encourage anyone to do anything, when he’s positive and in a good place. 

He did answer and immediately hung up due to being in the middle of the night and the poor bastard had to be up at 4am for work.

Goes to show me that it wasn’t about reaching out to anyone. It was more about needing someone to tell me “not to”. Not to…let myself get caught up in this dark time, another day will come, this will too be in the past.