My time

How can people say they “love you” and at the same time treat you like you don’t matter? 

How do the “because of you” get turned against me? That’s what none of them see, they don’t see they put me there to make them the victim. When do I get to be the victim? Is there a class I can take to learn? Do I just need to be more hateful? What does it take for someone like me to “want” to live this fucked up life? 

Chad and I talked for few hours the other night, mostly about me questioning everything in my life. Now, he is more of a believer in “God” in his own way. He explained it to me, but I’ll never truly understand anyone’s beliefs. He did mention that for some people, we are here for others, not here for ourselves. That people “like me” going through life teaching others what love is, what “understanding” is to change your mindset. That does NOT make me feel any better, just more pissed off. 

Why do I have to be the one to suffer to help others? That seems like a punishment to me, why? I need to understand the “why” before I can believe in anything. Like “why did I have a son with a drug addict?” Because I wouldn’t have ever left him if I didn’t. How Trey turns out now is on him, he’s now an adult and walked out on me.

It wasn’t until I realized the “why” behind it that I could accept it. But WHY am I always the one accepting everyone else’s decisions and no one can accept mine…until I force them to. Why do I always have to be “the strong one”. Why am I the one always walking away because they refuse to accept my boundaries? They crossed the line to make me put up those boundaries, they can’t see that?

How can I be accepting to “their boundaries” but when I need “my boundaries” I’m asking too much and become the problem? 

Even if Chad is right about some of “us” are only here for others, not for ourselves to be happy. Is this where suicide is “acceptable”. They were pushed to their breaking point, some look down on it not knowing what they were going through.

What has my family done for me after removing myself from their vicinity? Well, they created more drama from me, turned me against other family, and confused me with all the drama. Then…..nothing, from anyone. Once you tell the family you don’t care about the drama bullshit, they have nothing to say, no encouragement to thrive, no support, just silence. 

Of course this comes back to “the phone works both ways” except I stopped calling, because I didn’t want to hear the drama of the family or share my personal drama with them. If I wasn’t willing to provide them with information on my life away from them, they didn’t care. 

After my divorce, silence. Betsy reached out, but not because she cared, but because she wanted information. My own family can’t believe in me, want me to thrive, to celebrate my accomplishments. They thrive on drama and drama alone. 

Family is fake, just like Matts family. 

Family will stick with family as long as the drama stays, once there is no drama…..they get bored. Matt is literally better off now than when we first met. He’s told me so many times how “you’ve made my life better” at the same time “ruining mine”. I say that as “ruining” my want and need for a family that’s not my blood. 

His parents acted like I was part of the family, until I wasn’t. I couldn’t stay for the drama and all of them turned their backs on me. They didn’t care about my health, knowing my back problems and their son taking the bed, including the mattress. They didn’t care about how I was going stand on my own two feet. What they cared about was to get me to believe Matt was not “back with (the cunt)”. 

There was no worries about my future, how I am emotionally after two years of  his chaos. They cared about their son, what I was doing to him. What did I do to him exactly? Well, the same as Trey, Emma, and anyone else I have tried to help, I became the villain. I became the problem because they didn’t respect me or anything that was mine. They took advantage of my caring nature to want to help and be there. 

Of course, me being in this house still is hard for me to think of anything BUT the failures of my attempts to help and love others. The willpower to move on positively is not here, not in this house. It’s like a dark hole, pulls me down every time I have to be here. Which is every day until it’s sold, which gives me anxiety and the feeling of giving up all together. 

Ok, so I took myself out of the house, my anxiety is almost as high as being at “home”. Except I didn’t feel this in my car, I was safe, comfortable, and in control. I guess that makes sense, I can find comfort in objects more than people. Not just any objects, ones that I have purchased myself, the literally only thing I’m proud of having now. It used to be proud of the house I could provide for us. 

How can I be proud of myself at this time in my life? As soon as I typed that, the song “This is me” remix came on my Spotify. Every time I hear this, it makes me want to cry. I don’t know if it’s because I can’t believe in myself or if its everyone else is not believing in me???????? 

How does one start believing in themselves when no one has ever believed in me, except my dad?…My dad may have questioned my decisions but ultimately respected them. He’s always been my supporter, my push to keep going, to allow myself to feel what I need to. This man, not knowing if he raised another man’s child, has been my rock from day one. 

This makes me think family is your test in life. If you can remove yourself from the negativity, which is family, you will live a more meaningful life. There are more and more people that choose “new family” versus their biological family. My whole life was wanting family around, the more the better! The more chaos the better a family sticks together…..

Maybe this anger is supposed to light a fire under my ass again, this time way more selfish. I think about all the selfish things I want to do, literally can’t do them now with no money. But will I actually do those selfish things once I have the money?

It sucks how much time you have when you are lonely and the shit that goes through your mind. My mind is fucked, as you have read so far. I don’t see how me being selfish is going to help me become a better person, but what the fuck do I know?! Trying to be there for everyone else, I thought, was my purpose in this life. Time and time again I am proven wrong and why can’t I accept that? 

Why is it so hard to accept myself, to be there for myself, to want to be there for myself? 

You know the “want” to do something and the actual “need” isn’t there. Like laundry, some wait until the last minute to do it, others do it while there’s only one load or two. The “want” to do laundry is greater than the “need” to do laundry. How can I get myself to “want” and “need” to be selfish, to take care of myself for once? The daily pain in my lower back/tailbone is another “want” and a definite “need” but with no money, no benefits, how? The “want” to do yoga is there, but the “need” is not. 

Yoga has been my thing since moving to Texas, it’s calming, relaxing, strengthening of the mind, body, and soul (if there is one). That’s where I question if I even have a soul, or do I believe in “souls”. Believing in souls means I believe in something….but what? So many people believe in God, the Bible, or something to that extent. I sit back and understand now that I never truly believed, even growing up in a Christian church. I wanted to believe and I did fake it for a long time. Now, I’m questioning everything I have ever known. I listen to stories and want to believe what they believe, but how? How, when, or why can’t I believe like they do? Honestly, I “want” and “need” to believe in something and I come up empty every time.

Even believing in myself.

Maybe this “new me” has had enough of sitting back and letting karma happen. I’m going to start making things happen for me. Honestly, it’s that or give up completely. I know I should be seeing my therapist, Chris, but I also know he needs money as much as I do. So, until I get my benefits, this is how I will handle my emotions. 

I don’t need anyone telling me what is fair, this is the second time I’m left with an empty house, without a bed, all because I told them to take what they want. Maybe that is the point, they did take what they wanted all along, it wasn’t me. I guess that’s what’s more upsetting, I’m never the one they choose. My son didn’t choose me, he chose everyone else but me. Everyone that’s came into my life has chosen everything but me. 

I guess that’s on me, I can’t even choose myself, how can I expect others? 

This is where it gets dark as well. Asking the “why not me?” Why is it so hard to choose me? Am I that bad of a person? Do I actually deserve to be alone? What did I do to deserve this treatment from so many people? Maybe that is the problem!! You surround yourself with people that don’t take care of themselves, they don’t take responsibility of their actions. I guess I hold people accountable and not many people agree with that. 

What kind of person can come into your life, twist the fuck out of it, leave and not have a care in the world? 

What makes me so easily be the bad guy in everyone’s story?

Suicidal thoughts run through my head multiple times a day. I am at my lowest, fuck I hope this is my lowest, but I hear rock bottom has a basement. I have under $200 in my checking account, $23 in my savings, my mortgage hasn’t been paid, and I still have to hustle before I start my job. 

Even then, that job is not promised, no job is. So, I could get this job, after 30 days they could let me go, and then what? That’s where it gets dark, lonely, giving up is the only answer. Reaching out to people is not the answer, because it’s been proven over and over that I can’t trust anyone. I am on my own, I guess I always have been really, just didn’t realize it. 

Raising my son was a struggle with my family and his dads. Proof is where he’s at today, enabled by my mother and Tyler’s mother. I always had people against me, instead of encouraging me, or any kind of support was just too much for them. I’ve been fighting with people all my life, I‘m exhausted, I’m tried of fighting for people that won’t fight for themselves. I’m done being the one that just brushes it off my shoulders. 

Last night I realized that Matt still owes on his phone and watch and since he didn’t accept the responsibility with AT&T, it’s left with me to pay. Well, I still had access to Matts credit card and decided to look into what he’s been spending. He took I assume the cunt on a shopping spear to JC Penny, $300 charge, then another $400 charge. That one I have to look up, you know what it was? It was a $400 cage for guinea pigs. 

That set me off in a rage, I sent both his moms a message on Facebook letting them know Matt owes me money. Just like before, I get no response. So, I decided I‘m going to be as petty as them. I made a virtual card of his credit card and changed the automatic payments to be paid by Matts virtual credit card. Now, he will eventually catch on and probably cancel the card. Until then I plan on making him pay for the phone bill until his phone and watch are paid in full. (Side note, nothing was charged and never got my money for the phones)

People love to watch you after knowing you and then no longer knowing you. They like to watch, make their own assumptions about you, create stories, and talk about you like they still know you. People love to judge, especially family, and my family is no different. Part of me is asking why I’m even here, what’s the point of all this? I am currently in so much pain that I can’t physically do anything I want to do. I would love to go hiking, get out of this house and do anything. 

My life is at a stand still and it makes me think that maybe all this patience is for nothing. I’m about to start a job in a few days, I want out of this house asap, but I need the financial support of the house being sold. Is it greedy to want to start completely over, fresh start, no bills, no owing my dad money, no sacrificing for others? I want as much as I can get out of this house that had so much potential for so many people and in the end, did nothing for me. 

I now hate this house, I hate seeing what could have been as I sit here in all the emptiness and loneliness of what could have been. Another emotional stage, before there was anger, specifically at Matt and his family. Then there was the hope of something better, finding myself in this life I haven’t technically lived, just existed. 

Now comes the doubt, the fear of a life all alone. Even friends I’ve made while in Texas, I don’t have a friend that I can trust fully anymore. 

Thinking back to all the years, how I’ve opened up to people hoping to gain their trust, but ultimately lose myself in the process. How is it that I can be the most honest person I have ever been and be so alone? 

I guess people really do hate hearing the truth. 

I‘m just trying to “go with the flow”, letting things happen as they come. 

Patience is a virtue and I’m nervous as hell. No job, soon to be no home, no actual income, no future plans, nothing. I literally sit here and wonder what my life will be after this. How will it change me? Will it change me for better or worse? Will I feel this hate towards dating forever? The good thing is, I get along with men more than women. Women love to bitch over and over. Men like to talk about anything else than being bitched at. 

I can take jokes from men, dirty and sexual, doesn’t matter to me. You could put me in a bar full of men, different kinds, and I would have more fun there than in any kind of group with women. Men are more spontaneous, adventurous, outgoing, and honest. Not when you’re in a relationship with them, but as friends. I’ve had tons of guy friends growing up. Dusty was probably the first best friend but he kinda went off the rails and I’m not sure what happened to him. Then there were my brothers friends, Gabe. I got my dog, Mya, from him, had to give him a handjob for her but she was worth it. 

Some people would think that’s degrading and inappropriate but who cares? He got a hand job and I got my dog! I realized a long time ago that men can be manipulated easily by women. My mother trained me well, but I never saw an interest in it. Maybe it was from watching my dad all my life? Not sure, but even now I would consider myself a tease, but very brutally honest with men as well. There’s not an “unspoken game” with me, you get what you get. I don’t hold back, like I ever have. 

I have noticed my family, that no longer speaks to me, is constantly viewing my Facebook and SnapChats, etc. It’s funny how they “don’t care” but love to watch. I suspect Matt and his family will do the same. 

Now that I think of it, Matt and his family are……LIKE MY FAMILY. 

Fuck me, they love the drama, all of them! They thrive on drama, they live for drama and gossip. Well, it’s a good thing for them, I don’t care if they watch. They can watch me, watch me live my life how I should have years ago. They can watch me transform into, well, whatever I’m supposed to. I’m trying to be more open and allowing things to just happen for me. We will see and I guess so will they!

What’s funny is now some people from years ago are coming back and telling me, yes ME, what is best for me. How the fuck do they know what’s best for me? They couldn’t be there for me before, why would I believe they could be here for me now? 

My mother, for instance, calls and texts me asking why we aren’t talking. I don’t care what her memory is like, she knows! She and I talked prior to Trey moving in with her, I specifically told her if she allowed Trey move in with her that our relationship was over. Now she wants to know why we haven’t talked in over a year? Fuck You!

She also has the audacity to tell me “going dark is not the answer”. You know who else said that to me? Tyler, when he called to tell me to be a mom to our eighteen year old son with no degree, no job, no motivation while living with my mother. 

I can’t predict the future, but I do know that people don’t change. If they actually wanted to change, they would have but it’s easier to go back to how things were, its comfortable, but not safe. 

When did it become “okay” to not be okay? When did the world change and where the fuck was I when this happened? How is it that people live with themselves after the things they’ve done to people? How do people sleep knowing they hurt another soul on this fucked up world? What’s really crazy is that strange men on SnapChat have helped me more in a week than most men in my entire life. I’ve had offers to go live with them, to travel with him, to just be available for conversation. 

Even after the money and pic exchange, there’s conversation, updates on our lives. All kinds from sixty years old to twenty four years old. Some have good jobs, some retired, some just want a friend to discuss things with. Kyle and I got into a discussion last night, of course his mind was else where, but he was still supportive of me. He has no idea who the fuck I am, but is willing to take to time to talk to me when I couldn’t sleep. 

Of course, he is hoping for more and I’ve already told him it’s never going to happen. That’s true but for every man! I am so mad and hateful towards love and relationships that I want nothing sexual at all from anyone! Ok, maybe not anyone, more just men, women definitely have more of a chance than ever before!

Hit me up ladies!! 🙂

Things I do for others but what others are not willing to do for me is mind blowing. 

I think back to all the people I helped, just in this house alone. Most of them kids, but a few men that were “at their lowest” and needed someone. Where are they now? I can tell you where they are, where they all were before I met them. Nothing has changed, they didn’t want help, they wanted a free ride, just like my son and niece. They did a complete 360 and went back to the same shit. 

For instance, Matt is back with his ex-wife and his family and friends all accept this. Why, you may ask? That’s the biggest fucking question!! They all accept Matt’s word, which to me means nothing. Matt SAYS he’s not back with her, but stays at her house. He says its for the kids, but I’ve been listening to that bullshit lie for over two years now.

This is another reason I had to walk away, not only from Matt, but the kids, his family and friends. They believe what they want, I can see with my own eyes what the truth is. I’m tired of always pointing out the struggles of people, see their potential and try to help them. 

Everything I do or say falls on deaf ears, no one cares to listen.