My time

I have more and more of an understanding to people like Robin Williams. If he’s not laughing, he’s crying alone. He suffered internally that no one can truly understand. Even if he tried to explain it, you will never know the extent he had to live with it. This may make people think my suicidal, but who are you to judge? The thought crosses my mind multiples times a day, especially now. 

Even though I have told you about my past and my current situation, you have no fucking clue what goes on in my head. I have tried to explain it, to so many people and no one understands. You can’t make people understand, you can’t make people “want” to be there for you either. 

I can’t have anyone be here for me because I will feel like I owe them. I am, I was there for Matt at his lowest and now I’m at mine without him “owing” me anything. Why do I have such high expectations for myself? I want others to have higher expectations for themselves. Ok, now I know the “why” how do I stop?????

Is this how people snap? One day they just go off, instead of writing, like I ‘m currently trying? Is that what I‘m ultimately doing, subconsciously? Trying to keep my shit together, not snap, be patient and allow whatever to show me the “why”? 

But again, WHY in the fuck do I have to understand the “why”? Why can’t I just not give a fuck and move on without the emotions ? How can I push myself to be someone I‘m not, but seems safer for me? Hey, that seems pretty selfish, maybe I‘m slowly catching on? Well, I’ve got two more days before I start my new job. I will do my best to stay positive and keep pushing through.