My time

How can people say they “love you” and at the same time treat you like you don’t matter? 

How do the “because of you” get turned against me? That’s what none of them see, they don’t see they put me there to make them the victim. When do I get to be the victim? Is there a class I can take to learn? Do I just need to be more hateful? What does it take for someone like me to “want” to live this fucked up life? 

Chad and I talked for few hours the other night, mostly about me questioning everything in my life. Now, he is more of a believer in “God” in his own way. He explained it to me, but I’ll never truly understand anyone’s beliefs. He did mention that for some people, we are here for others, not here for ourselves. That people “like me” going through life teaching others what love is, what “understanding” is to change your mindset. That does NOT make me feel any better, just more pissed off. 

Why do I have to be the one to suffer to help others? That seems like a punishment to me, why? I need to understand the “why” before I can believe in anything. Like “why did I have a son with a drug addict?” Because I wouldn’t have ever left him if I didn’t. How Trey turns out now is on him, he’s now an adult and walked out on me.

It wasn’t until I realized the “why” behind it that I could accept it. But WHY am I always the one accepting everyone else’s decisions and no one can accept mine…until I force them to. Why do I always have to be “the strong one”. Why am I the one always walking away because they refuse to accept my boundaries? They crossed the line to make me put up those boundaries, they can’t see that?

How can I be accepting to “their boundaries” but when I need “my boundaries” I’m asking too much and become the problem? 

Even if Chad is right about some of “us” are only here for others, not for ourselves to be happy. Is this where suicide is “acceptable”. They were pushed to their breaking point, some look down on it not knowing what they were going through.