My time

I have thought about my relationships with men, why it’s so easy, why I understand them more than women. I grew up with my dad and his buddies like Scruffy. My mom didn’t do much or if she did, I wasn’t invited. Dad was always home, always working on something. I was never bored with dad, he would tell me all about what he was working on. I would half listen and have space out asking myself how and why he would know this information. 

I was always in the garage hanging out with the guys, hearing the dirty jokes men come up with. I also thought they were funny, especially the wife jokes. They all seemed lighthearted and not that big of a deal. Well, Trump can prove that’s not how eveyone feels. (Insert huge eye roll here) To this day, I think jokes are just jokes, but there are times jokes can be truth. 

There are many people that like to be honest, but funny to come off as lighthearted. Now, you have people like me that can laugh at the joke as the joke is meant to be. But if you tell me the same joke over and over, I will start overthinking that maybe this joke is really a lighthearted truth. It gets complicated and nothing comes of it except a night of overthinking. 

Lately, that has been the hardest to not overthink and let it be. For example, last week Matt and I spent the week together. This week he’s on his family vacation and will not be reaching out to me, “to keep the peace with the cunt”. I was fine with it, still am, but now I’m angry at myself. I let this motherfucker back into my life, why? 

What is it that I can’t let go? What is making me want to be around him? When he’s not around, not reaching out, I feel clear minded. When he is around, I feel comforted, not safe at all, just comfy. I can’t grasp what I need from him to completely let go, move on emotionally. At this point, I hope he does get back with the cunt just to get away from me. Why is it I need him to walk away even after I already walked away??!?!?!?!?!!? So fucking stupidly frustrating annoying emotional damage drama bullshit.