My time

Tyler, my son’s biological father, released himself from the brutal mental health he’s been struggling with his entire life. The honest first thought I had was, “he escaped”. Which only tells me how far I am in this dark hole mentally. It’s been five, almost six, months without my anti-depressants, and still no where closer to finding myself. 

The best thing about my dad is he’s not pushy, he’s letting me just be here with him. This is the first time I caught my dad “telling me what I want to hear” instead of his true opinion. I honestly am struggling with that now, I’ve always looked to him for advice and this time he didn’t have any, at least not honest ones.  

I keep thinking about Tyler “Ty” and how he felt just before, was he scared, relieved, or just nothing? He’s been struggling mentally for years and his addiction made it 100x worse. Something snapped the first prison sentence and he believed the government was following him, punishing him, “out to get him”. 

We text a month ago talking about our son, Trey, and how he refuses to grow up. Ty seemed level headed, even mentioned Trey being enabled by my mother. I was really hoping his third prison sentence was his last and found his place in Odessa, TX. He found a woman and lived with her, that’s all I know about them. 

Friday night I was in Pennsylvania after my two hour interview with only four hours of sleep. I crashed for an hour and woke up with the interview on my mind, going through everything we talked about, the shift in the office at the end. I tried so hard to go back to sleep, I tried everything and could not sleep. 

At 2:30am est (1:30pm cst), I received 4 calls back to back and immediately thought “this is that fucking cunt again”, Matts ex-wife. No proof but she has done this before, made one of her boy-toys call and threaten Matt. That immediately pissed me off. I knew there was no way I would be able to sleep so I packed up and headed back to my dads, an eight hour drive. 

Once I got back, I only got a few hours of sleep when I got the call about Ty. I sat here envious of him, the peace he must have felt or the peace I felt for him. Then the longer I sat there, the more I realized I’m getting closer to that decision myself. I‘m so tired of fighting, exhausted trying to be true to myself, I’m angry at being lost with no answers.