My time

Feeling the loss I’ve felt these past months have been devastating for me, not just mentally and emotionally but physically. It’s like my body wants to give up and shut down for good. What does one do when everything is telling me to give up? I shut everyone out, except my dad and of course Matt. I can’t let him go, its been 8 months since him and the kids left and I still think about them every day. 

Matt started therapy and realizes what he’s put me through these last three years, so he says. I want to believe him, I want to trust him again, I want my family back. But, HOW? How will it ever work after everything I’ve been through? Matt and I started talking again, five hours later we ended the call. Matt and I have always been able to talk, but this time felt different than before. He wasn’t just saying what I wanted to hear, he actually felt the words coming out of his mouth, the truth. 

Dad heard us talking and said “Ash, thats the first time I’ve heard you laugh since being here. Are you sure you two can’t work it out?” I stared at him in shock and sat down to take it in. I explained the issues with Matt’s ex-wife/cunt. I told him I’ve tried and I don’t have it in me anymore. He mentioned that before I was trying all alone, Matt wasn’t in it with me and this time it can be both of us trying together. I considered this and became angry. 

I was supportive, understanding, open and honest, trying like hell to make us work all by myself for three years. Matt now wants to try while I was ready to give up completely, why now?? Why couldn’t he try before? Why did he have to wait until now to get the therapy he needed? Why did I have to lose my house, move back in with my dad, threaten to never return to Texas for him to finally step up? 

I needed time to process, time to get over the anger, before making any kind of decisions. I stopped talking to Matt again, all I wanted to do is scream at him that he did this and now it’s too late. The other part of me missed him so much it hurt. I took those few days to consider, well, fucking everything. I scribbled down my angry thoughts on paper to get it off my chest and then burn it. No, I won’t be sharing those thoughts with you, some things should be let out and burnt.