My time

I started my job this week, so far I can tell I will get along with Nabiha and our manager Ester. Of course, there’s drama, you put too many women together and jealousy bullshits starts. Thankfully, Ester is on top of it, she says, and apologies for it constantly, and makes sure Nabiha and I are solid. 

First weeks are the worst, you have the safety meetings, the training, the patience to wait until you get real work to do. I will be learning from Daija, which I’m not thrilled about. She’s very negative and is way too social for me, and apparently for Ester as well. 

Other than that, Matt emailed me ‘Hey’, that was it. This mother fucker wants to send me ‘Hey’ after everything? That has my blood boil and at the same time want to talk to him. I think about him all day every day, I even accepted all SnapChat requests, more than 500. It’s really annoying and most of them want to see me naked. At the same time, it helps keep me busy not thinking about Matt and the kids. 

I did respond back, pretty much telling him to fuck off and that any mail will be on the porch. I can’t see him, I know I’m not strong enough. I would give anything to lay next to him just one more time. Have him hold me like he would never let go, like he used to. Instead, I am pushing him away because I can no longer fight for him when he’s never fought for me. 

It doesn’t matter how it ended,  its about now, all that matters is that I need to move on without him. 

I can’t listen to any more of his lies, the shit he says to make it all better for now, I can’t let him back into my life. I have to move on, I have to sell my house and get the fuck out of here for good. Part of me wants to just die in this house, just like all my relationships with people.