My time

I can feel myself wanting support, emotional support, and I can’t be dependent on anyone emotionally. I still think of Matt all the time, curious if he’s ok, if he’s as miserable emotionally as I am. Not that it matters, we obviously can’t make it work. 

This makes me want to crawl back into a hole and rot away.

Better yet, what if I got a horrible disease and nothing can cure me, I only have so many years to live….then maybe we could make it work for that short amount of time. 

That’s even doubtful, we never even made it six months consecutively,that cunt wouldn’t allow it. I just went to Rockwall to get my THC cart, from my new dealer. The whole time I was there, wondered if Matt was near by, maybe driving and maybe seeing him, I looked but nothing. I gassed it out of there before I talked myself into driving by that cunts house, just to reassure me this is the right thing to do. Why do I need reassurance? Why am I always like this with Matt? I walked away easier with Tyler and Dave. It seems that way now, but Im sure back then I felt this same way. Why is this so hard to let go?

Even being with Daddy the past few days, while I’m there I can focus on him and have a fuck-tastic time. But once I leave and the feeling I get around Daddy is gone, my mind goes back to Matt. Most of the time it’s nothing sexual or in a relationship sense. It’s more of a I wondered what he’s doing, how’s he’s doing, if he’s still on track with his goals he set. I miss our talks, our laughs, just us being weird together.