My time

I think to myself “some day we can be friends just like Chad and I are now”. In reality, I doubt that will be possible. I looked at that man as my husband more than Dave, who I actually married. How can we go from friends, to lovers, to together forever, to nothing. We can’t even talk to each other without wanting to be around each other. So, we just deal with the emptiness and hope some day things change. I say “we” as if he’s going through the same thing I am. He may be, but I tell myself he’s not, he’s back with the cunt and they talk shit about me all the time to make themselves feel better. 

The older I get the less friends I have, is that on me or on them? We will never know. 

I chose not to speak to family anymore, too much drama I could care less about.  Side Note: Trey, my only son, has decided I’m no longer welcome in his life, unless its on his terms. He’s not in school, hasn’t completed his GED, not working, and still blames me FOR HIS CHOICES! That’s what I get for trying to call him.

I knew I was getting emotional last night with Daddy. He is an atheist and honestly believes there is no purpose in life, but we are living in the best era. He views that completely differently than I do. He believes there is nothing that comes out of life and that the world will be gone. Of course, my overthinking ass decided to go down that rabbit hole and give myself a migraine. I crashed out early and left without waking him. I was feeling needy, emotional, and trying to wrap my head around what he believes. He views this life very scientifically, we came from a species of monkeys and eventually our government will crash, apocalypse style without the zombies. 

We all have our beliefs and what we hope is true, except me. I can’t wrap my head around anyone’s beliefs let alone create something out of nothing. Then I just go back to, I hope there’s nothing…nothing to see, hear, feel, taste, smell, just nothing.

That’s the only thing that makes sense to me right now, nothingness.