My time

Today is Christmas, a holiday that was my favorite! Today would be about everyone spending time together, making plans for the new year coming up. But not today, today I slept the day away, partly because I’m sick and partly because of my depression. My life choices have always been questionable, but I’m not dead so I must be doing something right. I don’t need my brother or anyone’s approval of my life choices, I love who I am becoming and wish they could see that. These days are different from the past, we have to adapt to new things, new technologies, new ideas. I finally decided not to hide who I am and no one seems to want to understand. 

Taking a day to let the emotions be what they are is not a bad thing. It allows you to feel what you truly feel, no fake smiles, just being in your feelings. As long as you pick yourself back up the next day, as I do. One day is all you get, then do SOMETHING, anything the next day. 

I’m trying my hardest to not think about Matt, make plans prior to him coming back from his “family vacation”. It’s so fucked up I’ve allowed this man to just use and abuse me more and more. I clearly haven’t gotten enough damage from him and still want him around. Even reaching out to his friend, hoping to be my friend, didn’t seem to help. It should, she still has the audacity to tell me “they have 16+ years and three kids together, they need to talk daily”. This tells me they all just conform to him, hear his words and, be hold, they become truth to everyone.

I should be mad at him, I know what he says to people affects the way they are towards me, they can’t help themselves.  Instead of him being real honest, telling them the truth of his “re-establishing boundaries” every few months. With that bullshit in mind, I have plans to make, outfit to pick out, and my dancing boots to put on!