My time

Just like the damn bible, words on paper can still be perceived differently. Just as I write this blog, some people will disagree with my point of view of my life and that’s ok. They had an outsiders view of my life, no one lived it but me. I‘ve been asked “have you considered…” followed by a name or in general “your family”? What exactly does that mean? I’m not allowed to make decisions on what’s best for me, and only me? 

That is the problem with those of who question my decisions, your opinions are justified and heard but that does NOT mean it changes anything I am doing for myself. These days, no one matters but me, I am the most important person in my life and I plan to treasure my life moving forward. I respect those who support me from afar and even those that disown me. 

That’s the beauty of life, we get to make decisions for ourselves!

That’s where I stop giving a fuck about other people’s expectations for me. I won’t be told how to live my life, what I should charge people to see me naked, who I can and can’t talk to. Some people will be jealous of the life I choose to live, some people will discredit me and label me a “pornstar”. What these people dont consider, is how I will start exposing with humor on social media. This will get some shit started, I wonder how Matt will take this?

Well, he “doesn’t understand why you felt the need post the video yesterday. I need space to address my own shit.” This more pissed me off, yet again this motherfucker wants me to explain or justify myself. I posted what I fucking felt like worth posting about what’s happening in my fucking life. Again, this was explained to him many times…”I‘m public with my life, I will not get approval of what happens to me and I choose to share it publicly. If you can’t respect that, this will never work.”

Once again, he’s being ridiculed of what his owner “the cunt” disapproves of my actions. This could be a harsh way to say it, referencing “owner” as Matt being his ex-wife’s trained bitch. She has trained this naive enabled manchild for 15 years, consider me the stray he found. He so desperately wants to run away and be a stray with me, but his owner still has a strong leash on him. 

He gets free once in a while, like when we went to San Antonio for my birthday weekend. When he’s here, hes free, free to think for himself. Im sure others think I brainwashed him. I really just ask a lot of questions, mostly one question… Why? He will explain, I ask why again, he will explain. He really comes up with his own answers but refuses to accept them as the truth. 

I did this same thing with my son the other day. I called knowing I was emotionally stable enough to be prepared for what I would receive in just calling. Last time he hung up on me, furious with me that I had “neglected him”. I wasn’t prepared for that, so now I adjust to me and what I am willing to put myself in a situation. 

We ended up having a decent conversation, I did bite my tongue on a few things he talked about. But his energy told me I wasn’t ready for his lash out. He’s always accusing me of triggering him, makes me slap myself for using words HE doesn’t understand. I try to explain them to him, but anger takes over and conversation will end badly. This moment I was peaceful, willing to allow him to think how he wants. He went with my mother to her sisters house for the holidays. He felt ignored, they only wanted to talk about me and my life choices. Made me laugh out loud, he first gave me a look of “wtf” and realized I didn’t care and took humor in it. He wouldn’t understand that part of me, not for a really long time.