My time

I haven’t talked with that family in many years, last I knew they weren’t talking to my mother. Here we are, my family at their best, talking about other peoples lives instead of focusing on their own. People distract themselves with gossip and drama, like Matts owner, the cunt. Keeps you on edge, makes you not your true self, image is important. I learned this when I was married to Dave, he could sense a change in me after talking with them on the phone. He was right, I felt helpless, stressed, anxious to help in some way even over 600 miles away. He started pointing out that I was always reaching out to them, only to feel bad about myself. Holy Fuck that hurt, we argued until I looked at the call logs he printed out. 

This man was a good man, he truly was there for me and Trey in the beginning. I will never understand what truly changed beside the Covid Effect. That seems so impersonal that a global pandemic can cause such a personal tragedy. We allowed the Covid Effect to get to us, allow the negativity in our home. That’s what did it for us, because thats what we had in common from the moment we met, positivity. I would not consider myself easy to adjust to situations I can’t control, is anyone? But during this time I reached out for help, asked Dave to do the same. Instead, his ADHD wouldn’t allow that, I know now. He put everything into beer and gaming, ultimately avoidance. Even put work aside to focus on what he felt mattered to him. 

No one can be forced out of the situation they put themselves in, again I know that now. Even talking with Trey sparked a realization that, in my POV, explains some things. Dave had his own issues that came up that he was not willing to address. Maybe Trey becoming a teenager triggered something he thought he forgot. Maybe he just wanted to give up to be rid of us, but felt financially responsible to stay. 

I told Matt once in an angry emotional setting, that I have always had to leave men. A few exceptions for dating, I’m talking about long term relationships, well, intentions of one. I have to say men are the most stubborn of dealing with their emotions. They get confused on how a “real man” should be, because of the way they were taught. 

That’s the thing that annoys me, people don’t see behaviors as a “taught behavior”. Instead, they use it as an excuse as if that makes it ok. Trey asked me if I was ever addicted to anything, he meant drugs or alcohol. I said “no, just putting people before me” with a gentle laugh to ease, essentially the truth. He somewhat agreed and changed the subject to my animal rescuing habits. He feels he’s going to be the same way as he gets older. Of course he will, he is so caring, nurturing, loving! He may have shifted that caring, nurturing, loving towards animals in replace of people. We all do when we feel no one understands us, animals don’t have to understand to love you.