My time

Once I called him and let him know I was angry and needed time, he had good news for him and the kids! He got the rental house he wanted and was moving in that weekend. I could hear the stress in his voice, the ADD kicking into overdrive of being overwhelmed. Of course he asked me to move in with them but I couldn’t justify when I financially couldn’t take care of myself. But I could help him move in and get the house in order and organized. 

So, another trip to Texas only to help and of course spend some time with Matt. I wasn’t planning to stay long, but I also couldn’t get myself to leave. The kids were coming and I desperately wanted to see them, even if they hated me. 

I started planning my leave again when Matt had an awards banquet for his company that invited him and a date. So, I went shopping and found an elegant black dress for $23 at Kohls. No matter where Matt and I go we always have a good time, even at a boring awards ceremony. His co-workers are easy to get along with and I can be myself around them. 

Just before we left for the awards ceremony, I received a call from a construction company I applied for just a few days before. Tori, recruiter for the company, did a quick phone interview and mentioned handing my resume to the hiring manager. Heading out to the awards ceremony I shut my phone off, not thinking I would hear back until the next day. 

Tori called and left a voicemail to come to the office for an in person interview Monday, ceremony was Thursday. I called Friday morning to confirm my interview with the hiring manager for Monday at 10am. The weekend flew up and Monday came, not sure what it was but I felt confident. I hadn’t felt this confident in a long time and went in with a positive attitude. 

I left the office in awe of the hiring manager, she seemed like a manager I worked for before, one I admired greatly. The connection I felt with her seemed like this was the perfect job for me. They transitioned to an HRIS platform that I have six years experience in, Paycom. They are looking for a Paycom Specialist to manage the system to its fullest. 

I knew then I needed to head back to Illinois to get everything, including Lucy, my cat, and officially move in with Matt and the kids. I received my offer letter the next day! So, Wednesday I drove to Illinois, Thursday loaded the U-Haul, Friday I was back for good. Just waiting on the background check and drug screen to get my official start date. 

My son is constantly on my mind, the last few times we talked he won’t say “I love you”. This has been my saying to him anytime we hang up and now he refuses to say it. I’ve had some say “don’t take it personally, he’s just going through something”. How can I not take it personally? I raised that boy, fought for him every day, until he walked out on me. How can I just keep going through my days like I never had a kid?

I imagine my son, some day, surprising me with going into the military and becoming a better man. I imagine my son, some day, showing up and telling me he got his GED and found a great job. I also imagine, some day, I will receive a call that my son is in jail or is gone forever, just like I did with his father. Reality is, imagining my son doing anything is all I have, good or bad.  

When will this child of mine see how much I have been fighting for him his entire life? When will he finally be the man I raised him to be? Why can’t he see he’s down a worse path than his father? Why can’t he see the pain he’s putting me through? Why can’t I get through to him? Will anyone ever get through to him?