My time

I started my sessions with Chris, my therapist today, back to weekly sessions I can’t afford. The amount of shit I unloaded from the past few months to get him updated on me was a lot, not just for me but for him. He seems worried about me, just as most people do these days, which to me is annoying. Hearing my dad and Matt say “It’ll be okay” makes me want to scream every time. 

I don’t accept the outcome of my current situation. I have fought hard to be in a better place financially just to be disappointed over and over. There’s always something in my way of becoming financially successful. Why is it so fucking hard for me to find a decent work environment? If I accept that I will never be financially successful, will I be happy? I’ve never been in that position without something else becoming an issue. 

Feels like I can’t have a family and a financial stability career I worked so hard to get. 

Another day, another episode…

Going to the pool to hang out with Matt’s friends didn’t seem to be an issue until a comment was made that sent me in a whirl spin. I passed out/blacked out for maybe 30 seconds while sitting on the edge of the pool. As soon as Matt realized, he picked me up and put me in the water landing and I woke up. Told him I was going to puke or pass out again, so I laid back in the 2 inch water landing. Same thing as last time, paralyzed, hands retracted, body stiff, hard to breath. This time I was able to speak, very softly, but able to answer questions. 

What seemed only minutes for me, it was hours that passed by. Slowly, I would be able to move my fingers, still unable to open my eyes. At times I wasn’t concentrating on breathing, Matt noticed my lips turning purple and dry. I had ice on my chest, which I couldn’t feel. Matt never left my side and reassured everyone around us that I was going to be ok. 

The calm he had in his voice helped reassure myself. Not understanding what my body is doing, having no control. I finally was able to relax my body, but still not move much at all or open my eyes. I asked Matt to carry me to a lounge chair because I started feeling cold. Once in the chair, still laying flat, I laid on my left side, which helped with the chest pressure. 

Pool time was closing and Matt carried me to the truck, but as soon as he started driving I got sick. He stopped and let me get it all out before driving us back home. Once we got home, I was getting control over my body again, slowly. Walking seemed like I was taking my first steps ever, balance was not there yet. 

No, I didn’t go to the hospital, been there done that, and nothing gave us insight on what happened. Matt knew I was conscious because I kept answering his questions. After some research online, we came up with our own “diagnosis”. PNES, psychogenic non-epileptic seizures, sudden, involuntary episodes that are a physical reaction to psychological distress, trauma, or emotional dysregulation. 

Physical symptoms are falling, stiffening of limbs, or loss of awareness. PNES lasts longer than an epileptic seizure and will show normal brain activity on an EEG, as mine did back in March. Prozac is commonly used for PNES which I stopped taking in January, six months ago. With this second episode, I decided to start taking my Prozac again, only 10 mg a day.