My time

There are times you need to listen to your body, understand what you are going through and determine the best action to take. I have some Prozac left over that I was prescribed already. I stopped taking all medications, because I was on too many, in my opinion. Prozac was at 60mg a day, muscle relaxers, two different  anti-flamitories, etc. It was too much for me and I needed a reset.

When I write down stressors, it’s not easy to say “I’m fine”:

Matt and my relationship and being harassed by his ex. 

Completed my Bachelors degree to now being unemployed for a year and a half, with continuous rejection of employment.

Selling my house, filing bankruptcy, financially dependent on my retired father. 

My son and the family drama. 

Matt, his kids, his family and friends.

Daily chronic pain.

Feeling lost, in myself and  in all aspects of it. 

Yes, it’s a lot, but isn’t that what everyone is going through? Everyone has drama, issues, things they can’t control. At what point can I just “let it go” (yes, like Frozen)? My body literally can’t take it anymore…so I’m told. 

What’s fucked up, after each episode (based off two only, so far) I feel relieved after three or four days. This time especially, I can understand what my body is doing, with no official diagnosis. I don’t really need one, I know my body more than anyone. I did the hospital thing, nothing came of it. 

Once I researched and really understood, I felt relieved knowing the “why”. Now that I know why, maybe I can prevent it now. Highly unlikely, I can’t control my subconscious, even if I tell myself I can. Understanding is comforting, understanding is knowing myself better. 

I explained it to my therapist today, and also confessed that I felt better a few days after the last time. It’s like my subconscious stress jar was so full it knocked over, now I have an empty jar to fill again. It’s a reset for me, fresh start to try again… again…again…again…again, until another episode, I guess. That’s life, right? Get knocked down so you can get the fuck back up and try again.