My time

These past few months of me “trying to find myself” was really trying to find who I might become. I realize now I didn’t want to be me anymore. Being me caused all this stress, caused my depression and anxiety, caused me to lose everything. 

Ever asked yourself what your “hard truth” is? I believe my hard truth is spending a lot of my energy trying to earn acceptance from people who aren’t meeting me halfway. I’ve tried to prove my worth in all aspects of my life, just to be turned down. What else can I do to get others to see my value? Or better yet, what are others doing to show they value me?

I have proven myself as a mother to only be rejected by my son, especially the last few years. The outcome was the same every time, he rejected me. He never showed me my value, which questioned my decisions on being a mother. 

I’ve proven myself as a hard worker, each time let down by the manager/company that refused to see my worth. Once that was evident, I moved on to another company, and got the same results. Now trying to find a company to allow me to show them my worth, only to be rejected over and over and over and over. 

While Matt shows me I’m worth sitting at his table, his table is filled with people that don’t. Before we separated in September of 2025, I felt accepted by everyone, and now I’m not. I didn’t change but the dynamics of the family/friends changed. 

My self worth is dependent on others, being accepted by others. Which only tells me that my emotions are so fucked, my logical thinking is missing. I want to be accepted by my son, by a company, by Matts family and friends, but ultimately I have no control over any of it. 

I never felt accepted by my own mother, her emotions of jealousy stopped her. Even after all these years of independence, putting myself through school, proving I’m not a piece of shit; but to have her accept my son when he didn’t graduate from high school, no job, no ambition, no independence.