My time

I’m not, by any means, a crafty person. I need specific instructions to complete anything crafty. I can’t vision something and then just create it out of nowhere. Just like Mason’s Halloween costumes, I was there for two of them at least. We had to look it up and follow the instructions. Matt can see instructions and create a way to make it work and puts it in place. I have to see his creative ideas to understand how it will work. 

I decided I want to put a puzzle together for the kids to hang up in their rooms. Cheap decor but also a reminder that we put this puzzle together just as we will put our life pieces together. This is really for me more than for them. It’s something we can do together, have more face to face communication, and something that motivates me to complete something and feel a little accomplished. 

I picked a funny puzzle to hang in the boys bathroom, see picture below of what you would see sitting on the toilet. (LOL) This was too easy for me to complete, only 500 pieces, but it was perfect for their bathroom. Mason picked a 500 piece Fantastic 4 and a 1k piece Spider-Man puzzle. Matt, Mason and I completed both together. the 1k piece took us longer, we enjoyed it more than the 500 piece ones. Mason has them hanging in his room now, probably means more to me than him. That’s ok though 🙂 

And if you’re not following, I’m literally just writing to get my thoughts in order (my way). 

Matt had mentioned doing a date night painting thing. I love him for coming up with date nights, that wasn’t a thing before. I see him trying more than I ever have in the last three years. I appreciate the effort he’s putting into us, gives me hope as well. Not long ago I was hopeless about all aspects of my life, as you all know. 

Even with the hope with Matt and now with the kids I can say things are looking up. Something isn’t quite right though, something too familiar is pulling on me, yet again. Something is off, something is not as it may seem? I keep telling myself, “this is PTSD, you are just looking for something that’s not there.” I’ve felt this way the last two weeks, being here six and half weeks. 

I’m going to spiral if I don’t figure this out, I need to figure out what this feeling (pulling at me), to comfort it and……fuck, it’s fight or flight! Not good, not good at all, that must mean something is going to happen. I’m preparing for the worst, but what????????

Well, I decided to act on my familiar pull and go through Matt’s phone. I know its something to do with the cunt, I’ve always been right about this before. This is where I fight the urge for as long as I can, hoping at some point, very soon, Matt will explain it to me himself. 

He didn’t, and that feeling of getting confirmation of my feelings were valid is undescribable. It’s like a hurricane of feelings from hell, to the point it makes you physically dizzy when you’re not even moving. It’s like your soul or aurora, whatever the fuck you want to call it, gets kicked out of your body. Sounds like something fun, but I assure you it’s one of the worst feelings I go through too often.