Matt hid and lied to me about communication with the cunt, again for 13 days. Same fucking story as all the other times. He doesn’t know why, but wants to discuss it with Chris now. Not only did he straight up lie to my face, but he also showed that he cared about her. Yet again, here I am in the same fucking position right when I had so much hope in us and the kids.
I put myself back into this position KNOWING this was going to happen again, but hoping it never would. Did I do the right thing? Did I come back only for a job that I thought was promised? Did he lie this entire time and get me back here to help him? Did I do something wrong to make him do this? Did I push him away or did he do that on his own? Is this the same as before or completely different this time? Is this only “Insignificant” emails just and nothing more? If so, then why did he show he cared? Why would he care? Why can’t I be enough? Is this his resentment towards me not working? This is about me not even doing my standard of “being a housewife”, per say?
I know my depression has me down, but I am trying. I know I could do better, I do try so hard but I’m not perfect, I’m not even okay. Now this? How do I approach him about it or do I ? Do I wait longer and see if it gets worse? Do I just have that argument again? Will there be answers or excuses? How do I handle this differently than our past?
This time was supposed to be different, this time was supposed to start with 100% truth and honesty. This is nothing but the same as before, except I caught it early, again. He is seeing Chris, but will he be honest to get the answers I need? He hasn’t been honest with me, how do I know he’ll be honest with him? I’m not even sure if he’s being honest with himself.
I gave Matt my therapy appointment with Chris today, hoping he will do his Friday appointment as well, knowing the circumstances we are in. Not to mention all the other stuff he has to discuss with Chris, like the kids. I feel like today’s appointment would be strictly about us, finding answers to why he cared about that cunt again.
Disappointed doesn’t quite describe it, annoyed maybe, frustrated definitely, but also in a “what the fuck do I do now” state. We’ve talked about it, but never got a feeling of relief that “we are okay”. Today he called at lunch, after therapy, mostly talking about “why him and the kids aren’t motivation for me?”, and about my depression. The focus was on me lacking motivation and my depression, what the fuck?
Did he talk about why he lied? Did he explain that I called him out? Did he confess the truth? Did he tell him more truth than I am aware of? What the fuck, that’s all I got for now, what in the fuck just happened?
Avoidance is what is happening, he’s trying to point out my issues instead of dealing with his own. He’s definitely not being honest with himself, even avoiding saying goodbye to me this morning. Actions speak louder than words!
I went through the rest of my emotional rollercoaster on Matt, he knows he deserves it. It ultimately came down to my wants. I may not trust him, especially after this but the WANT to trust him, and the make this work is still there. As long as the want to trust him is still there, the trust can be built back over time.
Telling me to “just trust him” is like telling an alcoholic to “just stop drinking”, it doesn’t work like that. They have to want to stop and work at it every day. It’s not something you just want and it happens, you have to really work on it every day. That’s the plan with Matt, take every day, day by day. Day by day doesn’t put pressure, gives us time, it’s not easy to see beyond that.
Times like this make it hard to see the other side of the picture, the one where the cunt is no longer an issue for us and the trust is rebuilt. I was only seeing the negative of this moment, that he lied, but in reality Matt has changed. He was open and willing to discuss his feelings and as well as listen to mine. It’s not easy on either of us. Especially now with my episodes, he feels they are caused by him.
Stress is caused by them, no matter if he was part of it or not. I’m not confident in anything I do lately and that’s my struggle, not his. On a positive note, the pull I had been feeling is gone, the questions I had are answered, I can focus back on me and what I need. I definitely need more structure to my days, more reasons to get up and be productive.
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