Trey’s birthday was yesterday and I didn’t tell him “Happy Birthday”, for the first time ever. Today I hate myself, fighting the urge to contact him and tell him “I’m sorry”. Did you just ask me “why”, well that’s a funny, but great fucking question! I have to sit here remembering that every day my son chooses to not be in my life, not respect me as his mother.The only person that was ever there every day for him, until he walked out and abandoned me.
Reminding myself of all those days he chose to make it torture for me to get him to school. All those days he chose not to take care of himself, his room, and his stuff. All those days he chose not to take his prescribed medication but take any illegal drugs he could get his hands on.
My therapist believes I may be ready to start emotionally cutting Trey out. Yesterday was the first step of the next step for me. Definitely an emotional rollercoaster today, but understanding the process and allowing the emotions to come makes it easier. Not easier on anyone but me, and that’s the fucking point. I can focus on me, without the negative distractions in my way.
There are so many people out there thinking he’s the victim in our story. These are the same people that still enable him. I’m so angry at Cindy, Tyler’s mother, for doing the exact thing she did to her own son, now repeating with my son. You think she would change her tactics, seek professional help. No, that’s not the “nurse” in her to seek actual help, she thinks she knows best. (Insert eyeroll and a HUGE sigh of frustration)
Three years pass by and nothing has changed how my son chooses to live. Every day since he left, I’ve been waiting for that call… “that call” used to be “mom, I’m sorry, I’ll go back to school and take my meds, no more drinking/drugs”. Now those become darker and darker giving me more anxiety than when he left. With Tyler’s suicide, all I can think now is that Trey may end up the same way. History repeats itself, as long as you allow it.
My son was my reason to push harder, work harder, strive for more and never settle. Do you know how hard it is to keep pushing while being rejected by your own son? Do you know how hard it is to “let it go” or to “accept his choices”? For your sake, I hope you don’t. I wish I could say “I don’t wish this on anyone” but in reality, I wish this was happening to the cunt, she deserves it.
There are days when I question myself on everything I have ever done trying to find where I went wrong with my life. I know my choices have put me where I am today, but struggle on seeing the why behind it. Of course, I’ve been down the route of being a mother many times before trying to find answers to why my son chose to leave me, and still chooses not to change to better himself.
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