My time

I do have other peoples concerns about my choices….NO, fuck that. 

There’s only one person I have 100% respect for and that’s my dad. So, I called him up, told him I walked out of my bullshit, drama filled, corporate job to peruse Onlyfans full time. Now my dad is just getting the hang of his iPhone, Facebook and TikTok. So, I‘m not worried about him seeing my content, but out of respect, I need to let him know to prepare for the negativity we can’t control. 

In a way, yes, my forty year old ass called my dad to “get his blessing” to make sexual content as my full time job. My dad is the best dad and I can always count on him to support me in literally anything I want to do. No dad ever wants to hear their daughters naked pictures and videos are out there for the world to see. At the same time, my dad has seen me do the best that I can with the things that are handed to me. I tried, just like I did with Trey, but this isn’t giving up, this is changing the mindset. 

This is 100% about me, not anyone else, it’s about my happiness. What I enjoy, what I want out of life, what I put out into the world is only on me. I have officially started the process of becoming a “social media queen” with endless possibilities! It’s scares the fuck out of me, but that’s the best part! If it scares you….DO IT!! I’ve had some of the best times saying Yes to something that scared the fuck out of me. 

Prime example, Matt came over yesterday to talk about us, even though we haven’t been together. He showed up at 9am and we talked a full eight hours on our current situations. Neither of us wanted or liked what each other had to say, but we respected each other. Our relationship has never been “normal” by any means. 

We both got an understanding of what we’ve been through the past few months without each other. We are drawn towards each other, we can’t let this go. Some people think we are crazy, which we are. What’s wrong with doing the crazy thing? What’s wrong doing the non-traditional thing?

So, I cried, I puked, I debated if life was worth this much pain. Then I took a huge hit off my “illegal” cart and put on Imagine Dragons. Again, sounds fucking cheesy, but I felt their music spoke to me, almost like they knew what I was going through. Either way, I picked myself off the floor, I dragged myself out of the dark place and let the feeling of emotions wash through me. 

I know I don’t belong in a corporate world, I know the medical field is now just my past. I need to figure out what the fuck I want to do with my life. Get another job to have the same result? I’m sick of accommodating others instead of enjoying what I want. What do I want exactly?

I tried a few years ago to sell sexual content on Onlyfans and ended up being fired from the one job I never wanted to leave. I immediately deleted my Onlyfans account and went back to “by the book”. I have a degree, I need a job that will put that degree to use. 

Who the fuck am I kidding?! Fuck that degree, fuck the people who don’t respect me but expect respect in return. Fuck everything I was ever told about how my life should be. 

I am me, I am blunt, I am honest, I am open minded and accepting of others. I don’t need to demand respect, but I will remove myself from the disrespect out of my own respect. It makes sense, if you don’t think about it. I love sex, I love exploring sexual fantasies, I love that sex is fun, exciting, new with different people. I fucking love sex! 

I guess you could say I am like my mother in that aspect. The difference is that I don’t have to hide it, lie about it, or cheat to get it like my mother did. I can be open and honest about it, put it out there for the world to see. Accepting the good and bad that come with it. There will be people that won’t accept my new career or lifestyle.

I will lose friends, can’t lose anymore of my family, not many left. 

While sitting and listening, to get an understanding, I was receiving a  “verbal warning” for my ATTENDANCE and LOW PRODUCTIVITY. I immediately stopped them and restated what they just told me. I said, “well, I‘m not doing this with you (speaking to my manager), this is retaliation and I refuse to continue this with a target on my back for asking your manager (my managers manager) a simple question. You’ve been harassing me ever since and I don’t stand for retaliation”. I set my badge on my managers desk and walked out. 

At first, I was like “good for you, standing up for yourself”, then the five minute drive home I started to freak out. But once I got home, changed clothes and decided I won’t let them ruin my day. I went tanning and decided a pedicure was definitely needed! Now home to cancel some appointments and write just to help get it off my mind. Once my nails are fully dry, I plan on doing SOMETHING today!! 

Well, I didn’t do shit except go down a very dark hole of “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s”. The rabbit hole of “what ifs” that drain your soul, at the extent that you want to give up. That night took a turn I wasn’t expecting. I reached out to those I’m comfortable with to being emotional drama psycho with. Fortunately, for them and myself, I didn’t get any responses until I got desperate enough to call Tyler. Yes, the father of my son, that at the moment he “has his shit together”. He was and will always be a great talker, he can encourage anyone to do anything, when he’s positive and in a good place. 

He did answer and immediately hung up due to being in the middle of the night and the poor bastard had to be up at 4am for work.

Goes to show me that it wasn’t about reaching out to anyone. It was more about needing someone to tell me “not to”. Not to…let myself get caught up in this dark time, another day will come, this will too be in the past. 

Today Granny, Matt’s grandmother, passed away. He had emailed me about her going on hospice on Saturday. I had thought about going to see her, but he mentioned she wasn’t coherent. I decided my last memories of her were the best memories to have and keep. I like that memories of her were happy, like when we went on vacation to Galveston. 

It’s weird to sit here and think Granny has it made now, she’s not in this hell we call life. I wonder if she is happy or maybe nothing. I more hope for the nothing personally, nothing to see, hear, feel, smell, just nothing. If you’ve ever watched Supernatural, they talk about the “nothing” where angels go when they die. People may see that as crazy to want “nothing” after life, especially if they are religious. 

Update, as of two days ago I was hospitalized for numbness in both arms, chest and partial numbness in my face. Went to the closet emergency room, which happened to be not equipped for “possible strokes”. They transferred me to a bigger hospital in Plano, which specializes in strokes. My feelings during all this, nothing, no emotions whatsoever. So, numbness in physical and emotional, but I didn’t inform them of my lack of emotions. I guess part of me was like, ok maybe I did have a stroke. You know that STRESS can cause strokes, it can if you let it!

I missed two days of work to “get an MRI” and instead received six injections in the back of my head that released the pain of the pressure and the numbness in my body, not my emotions, and sent home.

I wake up on Friday, 12/12, and go into work with a positive attitude! Until, my manager wants to “discuss our Tuesday discussion”. The discussion was “resolved, and don’t want to discuss any further”, is what she said to me and Nabiha. Don’t ask me why Nabiha was involved, I don’t understand any of this. 

Today I get instructed by my manager about NO OVERTIME. Even though they fired the girl training me, had to take on her responsibilities. Then decided to go ahead and also give me another job that two other people cover, so they can move on to other responsibilities. I question the overtime with my manager and get the same response, Strictly NO OVERTIME. I mention this many times and get no other options, ideas, nothing but “no overtime, forty hours or less”.

So, I casually ask her manager what the issue is regarding me having overtime, or maybe my job (with new responsibilities) should be re-evaluated to be an exempt employee. She actually agreed and said she would get with my manger about it. My manger took it personally, narcissists usually take everything personally because its all about them, always and forever. My manager called me that evening and I immediately got a no, we will just take things from you for now until you think you are ready. 

I feel like I‘m back talking to Matt, explaining my situation, my workload, asking questions, and I get no support. It’s immediately, fine we’ll “do this instead”. What happened to listening to people, not jumping to conclusions you haven’t thought through yet?!  What happened to taking the time to actually understand? Why is everyone so reactive rather than understanding and coming up with a logical plan?

This mother fucker really knows how to keep me pissed the fuck off. 

Why do I still think he can be a friend to me after he’s treated me? How did he become the victim in his head?? He was the one cheating on me for two years with his ex-wife. But I‘m the crazy bitch that can’t get over shit. 

Anyways, an unexpected event happened today, I signed to close on the house. I still had no feelings, I faked being happy about it. In some way I am, glad I‘m out from under that debt, I can get my shit together now. But other than that, nothing, not happy, not sad, just nothing. Even now, hours later, I still feel absolutely nothing.

Maybe that’s a good thing?

If I’m really being honest with myself, I was more worried about seeing Matt on my way home. I signed papers in Arlington, near the airport, where his latest project was. Every fucking gray car my heart would sink. I can’t tell if I want to see him or actually try and avoid from seeing him. Maybe both, it is post-full moon, there’s that. 

Fuck me! Every time I stand up for myself, not in a rude way, just a casual conversation about what I’m dealing with, and I get bullshit in return. I stand up for myself with Trey, Matt, anyone in my personal life and get same results.

Now, I have to deal with it at work as well? Let’s get into it shall we.

 I finished a book that, again, resonates with me on a different level. “Listen for the Lie” by Amy Tintera, a murder mystery thriller. No, I haven’t killed anyone, no one has died, Yet. At the end of the book, if you haven’t read it stop reading, she points out many big facts that resonates with my current life style, if you will. 

A woman is accused, never convicted, of murdering her best friend. She has no alibi and suffered from a concussion that took her memory. Any ways, not to give too much away, She points out that people will judge you on what they WANT to believe, not facts provided. She also points out that even the ones you love most aren’t always on your side. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but there are the smallest reasons to hold grudges, especially with blood.

Coincidentally, she had a “Matt”, her husband until the murder. She was faced with a traumatic experience, lost her best friend, and can’t help to solve the murder. Her husband, Matt, kicked her out of the house believing she was capable of murder. Her parents, they didnt turn their backs, but they didn’t help or support her when she needed them most. 

Doesn’t that sound familiar? I was left with an empty house with no job and no help from either Matt or his family. That was on me, allowing a man to come into my life at his lowest and expect the same respect when roles are reversed.

Lucy, back to the book, had no one in her corner, not until she met a stranger that fully trusted her, even when she couldn’t trust herself. 

I guess I can’t reflect on that part, after getting a message from Matt today. I sent a song to Matt by Adele, Love in the dark”. First lyrics are “Take your eyes off of me so I can leave”, “I can’t stay this time, ‘cause I don’t love you anymore”, “It feels like we are oceans apart”. Any ideas what this mother fucker sends me? The only part that truly matters is “but I don’t miss having to prove that you’re important or that my love was real. If you ever figure out if you want me, you know there’s ways left open to reach out.” Instead of him owning up to his part in all this, instead its on me to “figure out”.

The bad part about…well, everything in my life right now, is not knowing anyone around me. I get on Facebook Dating for “causal friendships” and find people are literally only want me for my looks. I have given my number out four times, only “Daddy” has used it to his advantage. The other three try to make small talk through TEXTING, which I fucking hate. I‘m just at the point of, if you don’t have anything to talk about just don’t bother.

Why try to force a connection? There was absolutely no plans, no expectations with Daddy and we get along great. Why can’t they just notice they have NO interest in getting to know me and move on. If I’m not hitting you up for a booty call, I‘m probably never going to give you that option. Daddy is literally the perfect rebound. He’s too busy to get feelings, he’s too far away to see regularly, he knows exactly what he’s doing sexually. That is particularly the definition of a perfect rebound. I got lucky with him, now I can focus on just making friends, people to do shit with once in a while. 

Matt never leaves my head, he’s the only one I want to hang out with. Knowing we can’t, we can’t talk cause that leads to seeing each other, then same shit different day. Instead of me worried about closing on my house tomorrow, I‘m focused on trying not to think about Matt.  

Well, another day goes by and I still haven’t closed on the damn house that keeps haunting me. I tried to be eco-friendly by getting solar panels and now they have become my nemesis. For weeks we have just sat here with a fucking thumbs up our asses. Until today, now they decided they need documents, warranty transfer, etc.

I started a new show in Netflix, “The Big C”. It’s only got four seasons, but they did a damn good job of the show. I beinged watched the shit out of it these 6 days off work. Last night I finished it, not realizing it was a full moon. The gist of it is a woman gets stage four cancer and goes through the emotions and how a family is affected as well. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading because I will ruin it for you. 

At the end, where Cathy is dying, her son worked over time at a young age of 16 to graduate early so his mom could see him graduate. She says it many times throughout and eventually accepted that she wasn’t going to make it. He surprised her the morning of her death with the principal and his diploma in hand. 

That moment just about killed me. My son was 16 when he dropped out of high school and has yet to get his GED three years later. 

I thought what if I was dying? Would that motivate my son to want a better future? 

People that are trying to be supportive tell me he still has time to make things right. But he’s 18, still on drugs, still being enabled by his grandmothers and probably his father too. That just makes me believe he’s fucked, until they all die essentially.  

Call me cold or heartless, but a mother wants the best for her kids, no matter the cost. The cost wouldn’t be too bad, as I don’t have a relationship with anyone of those three dumbfucks. Tyler doesn’t have to die, he will be back in prison in no time. Cindy never stopped enabling Tyler, still to this day, she would also have to die or lose everything to get her to stop.

Now my mother, shes just waiting to die at this point, so patience is a virtue.

I did get a SnapChat from Chad, my cousin, saying that he told my mom to “shut the fuck up”, I couldn’t be more proud! It had nothing to do with Trey, since he didn’t partake in Thanksgiving with my mom. Not sure if he did anything different than sit on the fucking computer all day. I guess he’s taking after JT, my mothers “husband”. 

Other than the normal drama from my family, I treated it like any other day, besides Daddy. I do feel kinda bad I just up and left without saying goodbye the other day. At the same time, I don’t really because if I had stayed the day would have turned out weird as fuck.

I could feel the emotions getting the best of me and didn’t want to ruin what we had already established. Sex and strictly just sex, or as he likes to call it “friends with benefits”. Which is also fine, cause we do laugh a fuck ton, before, during and after sex. 

It’s a breath of fresh air to be sexually satisfied and to be able to laugh at dumb shit. It’s also hard having that relationship with Daddy, as I had the same laughter with Matt. I wasn’t sexually satisfied, he knew that and tried his best. I guess that’s the difference, Daddy has no one he’s trying to get over, he’s just enjoying what we provide for each other, sexually. 

I kept my word on not depending on anyone emotionally, so far so good. There are times I reach out to Zach, classmate, when I feel emotional and need someone to understand. I feel like Zach kind of understands, in the man sense, definitely not in a woman sense.