My time

Tyler text me telling me he never forgave himself, I’m sure that’s true. I told him I forgave him many years ago, but Trey needs him now more than ever. I’m not mentally capable of taking care of anyone, that realization came to me abruptly last night. Zach, classmate of mine, has been helping me financially and emotionally lately. 

I didn’t realize how much I needed someone to be here for me, even if it’s temporary. Zach is a good guy, always has been. He’s not in a great spot mentally and emotionally, but financially he’s done well for himself. Unfortunately, he’s not proud of himself, instead he constantly puts himself down. Of course, I tried to help…..AGAIN with trying to help someone. Especially, someone that doesn’t want the help. He’s content with his working and drinking habits. Who am I to tell him not to live that way? 

How do people just let go of willingness to be happy? And what comes next can’t be good if they stay like that too long. I bring up my suicidal thoughts and he almost breaks down immediately. I know he’s struggling, I want to help, but I know he doesn’t want my help. 

Who am I when I’m not taking care of or worried about someone else? What happens if I don’t try to help? Will he get to that point of just giving up? How can I be there for him without trying to help him, while trying to focus on myself? So many questions and never any understanding answers. 

That’s life right, all the questions and never enough answers. I really just want one question answered, “What is my fucking purpose here?”

I always wanted to be a mom, have a family, be happy with the people I have around me. Why is that so hard? Why can’t I get anything I want? What does it take to figure out my purpose?

I have decided to move past Matt and the family I thought I had. Nothing I did made him want to stay, why I kept torturing myself with what I thought I wanted. 

I wanted to be wanted.